Dave is Headed Over!

I know I said I was done talking until our adoption was more certain. It is not, but my thoughts continue to brew, even while our adoption sits dormant.

It seems silly now that I got pretty emotional at times about the list not moving fast enough, or even that we weren't submitted to court before they closed. That seems like child's play now, like when your child cries over an enforced bedtime, while the world is falling apart. They felt like big things at the time.

The strange thing is, while our adoption is in a complete state of limbo, I am actually handling it OK (this week). This is what I can't figure out. If I am going to go with the spiritual answer, I would say that I came to the end of my rope and I have nothing left, so I have no other choice than to let God carry me. The whole idea from 2 Cor. 12:9. "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Maybe I have no choice, but to trust God and maybe I am learning to do that. That would be great if that were the case.

OR

Maybe I am learning to become numb to it, in order to enjoy my kids, load the dishwasher, teach piano, play volleyball and enjoy time with friends and family. I am staying very busy on purpose. I have very few weekends that I don't have a string of social engagements and I like it that way. Down time at home is only an invitation to sink into the adoption mire.

Of course, it is also helping that Dave is flying over to see "N" in less than 2 weeks! After getting a little picture of "N" today, I'm sure that it will be better that Dave goes, instead of me. Sometimes I wonder if I love "N," because it doesn't even feel like he exists at times. But when I got that picture this morning, I was so happy (and very very sad). I'm sure you understand.

Part of why Dave is going is probably just to feel like we have some control over something. Another reason, is to just check on the little guy. We don't get medical updates, or growth charts, or paragraphs on how his personality is emerging. We get a picture about every 2 months, at weird angles and while he is sleeping. We actually don't even know if this child will be ours, but at the very least, Dave will at least have met him.

One last reason he is going is to bring FOOD and a couple other items. That basic need of life that we so often forget that others don't have. The needs of his orphanage are great, but we are mainly limiting our packing to formula, baby cereal/food, a couple bumpo chairs and some Children's Tylenol and vitamins. Dave may take a change of clothes, too:) Orphanages get their resources from adoptive parents. Since no kids have been leaving his orphanage, no new kids are coming in. Obviously, this presents a huge problem. With no new kids coming in and getting referred, there is no new money coming in, either. So again, even if "N" doesn't end up being our child, Dave will have at least brought some food to an orphanage that is struggling to provide.

Anywho . . . that is the skinny on our adoption to this day. I thought it would look very different by this time. Some of you are probably starting to wonder if we are just making up this whole story about "N." I promise he is real and hopefully, someday, you will all get to meet him.

Goodbye for Now

"Writing in Pencil"seems very fitting for our blog title right now. However, until I can write in something a little more permanent, I think I'll have to say goodbye.

4 Months Old Today

Today little "N" is 4 months old. I am so proud of him (and his momma) for being one of the few well nourished kids that enter orphanages in Ethiopia. It's really the only thing I know about him, so I'm going to be proud of him for that. The last picture that I saw of him was when he was 2 1/2 months old. I'm sure he is doing so much more now and I'm certain that he is a favorite of at least one of the nannies, if not all. I just know he is! I just wish I could enjoy his little smile and his noises and attempts to roll over . . . both ways! Unfortunately, it's going to be awhile, folks. For this reason, I feel like I'm fighting the good fight to stay out of the swamp called sadness, but my feet are slipping and my hands are losing their grip. I need a boost. I'm gonna need a lot of boosts throughout this indefinite process. So, don't judge me, please, if I take trip to Vegas, even though we have raised money for this adoption. I feel like I need to get on a plane to somewhere. I told Dave today that I'm getting the urge to fly over to ET again. I want to go see him, sooooooooooooo badly. I want to go and put his paperwork in front of the local MOWA that has stopped processing any paperwork and convince them, that keeping my baby (or the 350 other kids in his same position) there, is not in the best interest of anyone on earth!

For those of you who don't know the story, he is in a region where the local MOWA thought it would be a good idea to go through and shut down a bunch of orphanages for a variety of different reasons. That sounds noble if there are orphanages that are violating rules affecting the care of the children, but from what I understand they were shut down for not providing enough humanitarian work outside their walls. In all, 19 orphanages were shut down and then all those kids went into the existing orphanages, thus creating overcrowding. From what I understand, the orphanages are at total capacity and they can no longer accept new kids. It has also caused them to lose track of some of the kids, so I am grateful that they, at least, know where "N" is. This is where it would seem logical for them to sign paperwork, so that they can move kids into care centers in Addis. Logic seems very lost at this point.

I have no redemptive words this time. Just that I'm slipping. Maybe when he is 4 months and a day, I'll be back on top of the rock I've been sitting on the past few weeks.

P.S.-Spence just asked when we are going to get "The Goose" (his nickname). I said "not for a long time." Spencer said, "aren't we gonna die, though?" I hope it won't take that long!!!!!!

Do we stay or do we go?

In one of my more desperate moments on this roller coaster, I posted that I was looking for connections in Awassa, because I was ready to change this years plans to include a 2-3 month stay in ET. Thank you to all who responded with helpful leads, email addresses, personal stories and even warnings. I appreciated all the input, so thank you.

I have gotten some clarity on whether or not to travel to ET between court and Embassy. Two weeks ago I was 90% sure that we were gonna do it, but after new information and some time to get some perspective, I'm am about 90% sure that we won't. The whole point of going was to intercept "N" before he changed locations and caretakers, again. Initially, he wasn't going to move to the care center until after we passed court and now he will get moved to the care center a week before we go to court. Then, just last week, the US Embassy changed the rules. Even if you pass court, you can no longer take your child out of the care center until Embassy clears you, so again, the main reason for going doesn't even exist anymore. And in the midst of all that, God kept asking me, "Do you trust me?" And I kept basically saying "no." I'm not going to say that I think things will turn out all tidy and neat, but I'm getting to the point where I do feel like I am learning to trust Him with baby "N."

So, in this phase when the courts aren't opened any longer, there is no inkling of a chance of getting a court date anytime before November and we have decided not to travel between court and Embassy, I feel strangely excited about simply meeting "N." More than ever before! I am excited to hold him, rub his fuzzy head and just see what he is like. I think that the turning point from desperation to excitement (and I'm not claiming that this will last, BTW), was at Lakeside Amusement Park, of all places. My kids were riding rides with not a care in the world, contagious laughter and the biggest smiles in the world. (See below). I just thought that next year at this time, "N" could be riding these rides with our kids, with the same carefree laughter, squeals, and excitement. All of this unnecessary waiting and all this craziness with getting submitted to court will be a distant memory and in it's place will be our little "king." Yeah!!!!!!!! I can't wait!

Overnight

One summer when I was in junior high, most days you could find me at Nicole Penner's house, carefully crafting our trampoline routine to Amy Grant's Ageless Medley. I bet if you gave me a trampoline and that music I could still perform some of my routine, minus some of the flips. Most kids at that age were NOT listening to Amy Grant, but I loved her and loved Jesus. I didn't doubt that God was real and I had a quiet time nearly every day. I was very serious about my faith and I didn't care that I didn't know the words to "Smokin' in the Boys Room," like everybody else.

I have gone on to love many other genres of music and become a real cool cat, but I can still say that when I hear Amy sing, it brings me back to a time when I had a real innocent faith and trust in God. This adoption journey has been (and at this rate will continue to be) a challenge to my faith and a faith builder at the same time. In the words of my close friend, Kate, "Go Big or Go Home." That is how I feel in my faith right now. I've gotta either Believe Big or Forget It.

I have had a difficult time understanding why he is not answering prayers for so many of us in the throws of adoption in ET. On good days, unanswered prayer has left me scratching my head, and on bad days, it has made me question God. If God cares so much for these kids, then why is it so hard to bring them home? That being said, I also think that if God really did, in fact, call us to adopt, like I think he did, then I really doubt that he is going to jump ship and say, "now that you are half way through, I'm outty." I simply can't believe in God if I don't believe that he will take care of this situation. But it is hard. One of the two things he keeps telling me is, "hold on." Everything I have read or heard or listened to keeps saying, "hold on." So, I'm holding on and leaning in.

I just have to leave you with a newish Amy Grant song that I'm sure will be carrying me through the weeks. Some of you won't have time to listen to it, but if you are in the middle of adopting, you should try to find a couple of minutes. I hope it will encourage you.

On

Do you have a connection in ET?

At this very moment we have a little baby in Ethiopia that is in an orphanage in Awassa, Ethiopia. He arrived at his orphanage, Ajuuja Children's Home, at 10 days old. He is now a little over 3 months old. Our paperwork has stalled out, due to the local MOWA taking on more authority in his region and for some reason they are not signing off on paperwork. Nobody in our agency is quite sure why and they are uncertain as to when they will begin signing papers again. If it is not submitted before the courts close from August 6th to October 15, then we are looking at a terribly long time before we even get a court date. All that to say, we are considering going to Ethiopia to stay between our court date and Embassy (6-12 weeks, hopefully) to prevent another move to a different care center and to start our life together. So, I am throwing out the net to see if anyone has any connections in the Awassa region of Ethiopia. We will be one of the first families in our agency to actually go to Awassa, so we don't know any first hand experience of the city. If you happen to know of someone who runs an organization or has been there on a mission trip or has any experience there, we would love to talk to them. You can either facebook me or leave a comment below.

We don't know if we will actually do this, but we are starting to pray that God either gives us a big NO, or that connections start being made and pieces start falling into place. Even if we do choose to go over there, it is sooooo important that we get submitted to court before they close in a week. So, I'm begging you all to please, please, please, pray with us. We would truly covet those prayers. Thank you everyone.

Stand in the Rain

So, the question for myself has become, "How do I navigate this giant obstacle in our adoption journey?" I feel like I have to choose between two paths. One would be to put "N" somewhere near the back recesses of my mind for a few months and just carry on with my life. Be a pleasant person to my husband, kids and those around me. Part of me wants to just enjoy our family as it is right now and part of me feels like it is the right things to do, because then my attention is on my kids right now and I am savoring the time that I have with them. As soon as I start to feel the pain of not being able to meet and bring home N for such a long time, I feel like my kids that are at home suffer. I am not as patient, not as attentive and not my usual fun self:).

However, what seems to suffer when I put N in the back of my mind is prayer. I pray for N and I ask others to pray for N, but I don't PRAY for him. I'm not on my knees, begging and pleading. I only really feel the desperate need for God to step in and carry me through this or the desperate plea for him to bring about a miracle when I feel the pain of not getting to bring my baby home. I want him home because I love him and I want him home because I want the best chance of him having fewer emotional scars (which I know I just need to get over).

Like I said in my last post, I have changed over to listening to more Christian music lately, because I am just searching for encouragement. There is a song by Superchick and the lyrics are:

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/superchick/stand_in_the_rain.html

I wish that sometimes I could just stand in the rain, cry, plead, stand my ground, not fall down, and the rest of the time I just want life to be normal. Do you think I could do both? Maybe it's possible?

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/superchick/#share