As usual, there are two story lines in our adoption book. One has always had forward motion and there is always something new. The other has an element of suspense, but the story line pretty much reads, "same as yesterday-no new news." But one day, something will happen.
Maci's story is so amazing. Maybe your surprised to hear that after reading about our first 6 weeks home with her. Those were some "special" times and I'll just leave it at that. It's weird to talk about those first six weeks as if they were so long ago, but they feel a lifetime ago. I guess that leaves us with only three weeks of life on the upswing, but it's a great ride. Maci continually impresses me with each little bit of herself that she is slowly revealing. There is so so so so much to love about her. How fortunate we are to see this child soak in the newness of every experience with such eagerness. I am totally that parent that thinks that my child is gifted and talented, even though she can't even go to the bathroom by herself. But I tell ya - you would be shocked at how well she speaks English. If you need your socks knocked off, then come bend your ear and listen to her cute little accent, saying little phrases like, "I'll be back back," meaning, "I'll be right back." It's so fun. Still hard-but so worth it.
Our two stories have stayed pretty separate, for which I am grateful. I guess I am talking emotionally. There was awhile when we first got Meraf's referral that I wasn't sure I would ever feel the same intensity of love for her as I did for Goosey. Then when we brought her home (don't gasp too hard at this) there was some time that I was so sad that we didn't bring home a baby and instead we got a very difficult toddler. I thought I might resent her, especially since it seemed like bringing home N would now be an impossibility, with our lives so upside down. That's all out the window now. We actually do feel like God knew the perfect fit for our family and we are still falling in love with Maci. Like I said, I feel so grateful that Maci will not affect our decision to take Goosey or not, at this point. However, there are a lot of other factors.
The last post that I wrote was that we were going to live our lives, as is and not hold back on account of Goose. THE VERY NEXT DAY, we got word that there was a huge two day meeting, mostly focused on the agencies, social workers, orphanages and other ET officials, trying to persuade the southern MOWA to let these kids through. Needless to say the viral chatter about the southern region opening again is at a high level. But we continue to hear the same old thing, "tomorrow, it will get signed." We are still very much up in the air about what we will do if they actually do sign his paperwork. In order to stay focused on our present Maci storyline, I have to write down all the conflicting thoughts about Goosey, so that I can leave them on paper, instead of having them occupy valuable space in my finite brain.
So, here it goes- not in order of importance. It was just what I wrote down one day in my journal.
-He's our child
-I love N
-Why did we go through all of this, just to give him up?
-I am feeling great about our family with Maci, Spence, and Leah
-I don't think I can handle a special needs baby
-I don't want to give up teaching piano
-It would be great to have 2 boys, 2 girls.
-It would be great for Maci to have another brown babe in the family.
-We'd have to buy a new car.
-We'd have to come up with another $20,000
-God wants us to care for orphans.
-God will provide money, strength, and energy.
-The kids all want N to come home and literally pray for it daily.
-What if N is special needs forever?
-What if bringing him home would dramatically change our life?
-What if Dave loses his job in the hospital turnover?
-God may have another family for N.
-Could I ever live with myself if we gave him up?
-Would we bring him home and think that we couldn't imagine life without him?
-Would it be a better act of love to take him or to allow another family to take him?
-What does God want us to do?
-Are we free to make a decision and God will still pour out grace either way or does He have an answer for us?
-N's smile-could I live without that?
-What could we do to honor N if we don't get him or we don't take him?
-Will the Holy Spirit speak to us?
-Why would God change his mind about us getting N?
-Would I lose out on really knowing the three kids that are here, if we brought N home.
Now, I'm not saying I'm proud of all these thoughts, but there they are. They are pretty "me" focused, aren't they? Right now, we are not expending great energy on our final answer, because what would be the point? We don't know if we'll ever be making that decision. Our overall prayer, is if they ever sign his paperwork, that God will strip away all the white noise and be very clear with us, and that he'll give us peace about our decision. For now, we'll keep lovin' on the three we have.