It seems silly now that I got pretty emotional at times about the list not moving fast enough, or even that we weren't submitted to court before they closed. That seems like child's play now, like when your child cries over an enforced bedtime, while the world is falling apart. They felt like big things at the time.
The strange thing is, while our adoption is in a complete state of limbo, I am actually handling it OK (this week). This is what I can't figure out. If I am going to go with the spiritual answer, I would say that I came to the end of my rope and I have nothing left, so I have no other choice than to let God carry me. The whole idea from 2 Cor. 12:9. "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Maybe I have no choice, but to trust God and maybe I am learning to do that. That would be great if that were the case.
Maybe I am learning to become numb to it, in order to enjoy my kids, load the dishwasher, teach piano, play volleyball and enjoy time with friends and family. I am staying very busy on purpose. I have very few weekends that I don't have a string of social engagements and I like it that way. Down time at home is only an invitation to sink into the adoption mire.
Of course, it is also helping that Dave is flying over to see "N" in less than 2 weeks! After getting a little picture of "N" today, I'm sure that it will be better that Dave goes, instead of me. Sometimes I wonder if I love "N," because it doesn't even feel like he exists at times. But when I got that picture this morning, I was so happy (and very very sad). I'm sure you understand.
Part of why Dave is going is probably just to feel like we have some control over something. Another reason, is to just check on the little guy. We don't get medical updates, or growth charts, or paragraphs on how his personality is emerging. We get a picture about every 2 months, at weird angles and while he is sleeping. We actually don't even know if this child will be ours, but at the very least, Dave will at least have met him.
One last reason he is going is to bring FOOD and a couple other items. That basic need of life that we so often forget that others don't have. The needs of his orphanage are great, but we are mainly limiting our packing to formula, baby cereal/food, a couple bumpo chairs and some Children's Tylenol and vitamins. Dave may take a change of clothes, too:) Orphanages get their resources from adoptive parents. Since no kids have been leaving his orphanage, no new kids are coming in. Obviously, this presents a huge problem. With no new kids coming in and getting referred, there is no new money coming in, either. So again, even if "N" doesn't end up being our child, Dave will have at least brought some food to an orphanage that is struggling to provide.
Anywho . . . that is the skinny on our adoption to this day. I thought it would look very different by this time. Some of you are probably starting to wonder if we are just making up this whole story about "N." I promise he is real and hopefully, someday, you will all get to meet him.