I have, for the most part, only written on my new blog for the better part of a year now, but it feels right to revisit this homey plot of the world wide web tonight. It feels a bit symbolic as I am excited to move forward, but sometimes struggle to know where the balance of honoring, remembering, and letting go of the past, lies.
This last month or so has been so full of periphery. Tony selling his house, me selling my house, the two of us buying a house together, Tony losing a job completely out of the blue, Tony finding a job here in Colorado Springs, head colds, continuing to work on my relationship with Macie, planning a wedding, deciding the best place for my dog, Charles (that is a post in itself), kids getting out of school - not to mention - continuing to all the regular stuff a single parent does. None of it is all that big of a deal, but I think it has kept me from tending to some of the actual big stuff in life. And, as usual, Tony is the one to point this out.
Yesterday and today, I have spent some time, de-Dave-izing, my house, where Tony and I will live for a few months, before our new house gets a bit of a makeover. Pictures were taken down, decorations that were from places Dave and I have visited were removed and other random items have been put in boxes or the Goodwill pile. I've been a bit robotic about it. There's just too much to do, to weep over each item, or any of the items. However, before Tony left tonight, he said, "Will you do me a favor?" "Will you please take some time to really think about how you feel about taking all those pictures down?" He also asked me to take some time to really think about Dave tonight. So, instead, I'm writing a blog. That actually feels less emotional.
How is this supposed to be done in the healthiest way? I have the excitment for the wedding down. I am super excited to marry Tony and go on a honeymoon and spend the rest of our lives learning how to love Jesus and each other more and more. But, what about Dave? It doesn't seem quite right to have wedding pictures displayed all about, while married to Tony. It doesn't feel right to have any kind of reminders of Dave in our bedroom? But, it doesn't feel quite right to just tuck everything Dave, away in boxes, in the garage, either? Do I cram all those framed pictures in my kids' rooms, as if it were just them and their dad, but not mom, dad, and them? It's all just kinda weird, for lack of a better term.
Well, whether or not I figure out the best way to take down pictures, I'm sure Tony and I will be learning how to do this dance for years to come. All I'm saying is grace. Grace for each other and the grace of God, will lead us through these tricky widow/divorce waters.
I do love, love, love that I have found love again. I do love that my relationship with Tony is so different than with Dave. I do love that a new chapter is starting. But, my little Sicilian, Latin-like lover, Tony, is right. I really shouldn't just plow through to the wedding, without giving attention to how I feel about Dave in the midst of it. Because, as much as I don't want to admit it on my wedding week, there are some bubbling emotions there, that are best uncovered now. I think I will take tonight, even with a to do list a mile long, to sit with Dave's book, and take this bundle of emotions and plop them into the arms of Jesus. He'll know what to do with them. I bet that sounds a little crazy, but that is just what I picture. I love that Jesus.
P.S. - probably most of you have found your way over to my new blog, but if not, it is at www.writinginpencil.com.