In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Stand in the Rain

So, the question for myself has become, "How do I navigate this giant obstacle in our adoption journey?" I feel like I have to choose between two paths. One would be to put "N" somewhere near the back recesses of my mind for a few months and just carry on with my life. Be a pleasant person to my husband, kids and those around me. Part of me wants to just enjoy our family as it is right now and part of me feels like it is the right things to do, because then my attention is on my kids right now and I am savoring the time that I have with them. As soon as I start to feel the pain of not being able to meet and bring home N for such a long time, I feel like my kids that are at home suffer. I am not as patient, not as attentive and not my usual fun self:).

However, what seems to suffer when I put N in the back of my mind is prayer. I pray for N and I ask others to pray for N, but I don't PRAY for him. I'm not on my knees, begging and pleading. I only really feel the desperate need for God to step in and carry me through this or the desperate plea for him to bring about a miracle when I feel the pain of not getting to bring my baby home. I want him home because I love him and I want him home because I want the best chance of him having fewer emotional scars (which I know I just need to get over).

Like I said in my last post, I have changed over to listening to more Christian music lately, because I am just searching for encouragement. There is a song by Superchick and the lyrics are:

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
[ Lyrics from:

I wish that sometimes I could just stand in the rain, cry, plead, stand my ground, not fall down, and the rest of the time I just want life to be normal. Do you think I could do both? Maybe it's possible?

More lyrics:

1 comment:

Kelley said...

It's such a hard balance to do both. I have yet to find that balance, so if you do - let me know how :)

I've decided that I'm going to focus on our home, spending time with the kids when they get back and preparing our house for a possible sale next spring. Even if we don't sell the house, my house will be all fixed up and beautiful.

Notice that this is all being said because I am without a referral as of today. This could change once the phone rings. ;)