In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Maci's Birthday and 10 Days


If you would have asked me eleven or more days ago, where would you be, 10 days after your husband died, I would have said, “In my bed, under my covers, with 10,000 soaked tissues adorning the floor.”  But where I found myself today, was at Chuck E Cheese.  Seems impossible, doesn’t it?  The world has stopped for me, but as for my kids, my friends and family, the world has continued at varying paces and I’m trying to be present, knowing way way way to well that each day is not a guarantee.  So, I hand over another token and trade 10 dollars worth of tickets for a mini box of pink Nerds.  

The days keep coming, which means that birthday’s still come, and today happens to be Maci’s Birthday.  Our sweet Maci didn’t even get to celebrate one birthday with Dave, let alone any father ever.  It feels so unfair.  I guess that is why I am still trying so hard to make this day special, or at least normal.  Let me say that one more time.  "My people" are trying so hard to make it special and I am just trying to show up.  We had originally decided that we would celebrate it on April 22nd, which is her Ethiopian birthday, however, that is also Dave’s birthday. So, I made a decision to go ahead and celebrate Maci’s birthday today, so that we can celebrate Dave’s birthday each year on the 22nd of April.  By the way, I knew I was destined to marry him, because I love 2’s and 4’s.  He was born on my favorite date on the calendar.  

Back to Chuck E Cheese.  I am struck repeatedly with three thoughts while I’m there.  First, “How am I here, doing this? How am I actually able to pile the kids in, drive over there (with some help), and do what I would do on any other day?”  The second thought was, “People keep walking by me, crossing my path, exchanging words, but they have no idea what I am in the middle of.”  I want them all to know.  I want people to hurt with me, even if they are strangers.  I want special treatment, but I really don’t.  The third reoccurring thought is probably the same as everyone else there, which is, “I hope someone sprays a little Clorox on these surfaces from time to time.  That third thought comes with a little relief as I realize I have some normal Holly thoughts peeking through.  

I realize that many of my thoughts and my talk has been aimed toward the supernatural and towards Jesus and my faith, but today I just want to float in His grace as someone suggested. I don’t necessarily want to think about it or try to figure it out.  I just want it. I want enough grace to go to Chuck E Cheese or maybe I should say more than the usual amount of grace it takes to go there even under normal circumstances. 

In a few minutes I’ll be heading out to retrieve my son from a friends house, and stop in for a little New Year’s Eve celebration.  Ten days in, and I am facing my second major holiday without Dave.  I have cried and cried and cried this afternoon over what I am sure to feel while I am there - that Dave is GONE. I hate it.  I hate it.  

Just a few more hours of floating in His grace and I will have made it through another day and another event.  I want to hurry through these milestones if you can’t tell, but I know there is no rushing - only floating.      

12 comments:

Lorraine said...

I am praying for you and have been since I heard your story from my sister (Michelle Wooley). Acquainted with the joy and angst of adoption, I cannot tell you how I wept with you on the absence of Dave on this birthday of Maci's. You are on my heart - may GRACE carry you. Let us, in the family of God, pray for you and you just focus on putting that one foot in front of the other. You are loved from afar. (Lorraine in NC)

Sharon said...

Praying for you this morning, Holly.

Jodi said...

Holly, please know that you are in my constant thoughts and prayers! I wish I could stop the world for you! Thanking God for his overflowing grace and love!

Kathleen said...

Holly, you have such a beautiful heart and spirit. I ache for you, but know that God's grace and your own strength will see you through this. You are constantly in my prayers.

jen said...

Oh, Holly. I don't even really know you, but I hurt with you. There are no words. Just know that you and your family are constantly on my mind.

Ronnie said...

Holly - I don't know you personally but I do know your family. Dave and I went to church together growing up and I worked for Paul and Janet. My heart has been broken for all of you and my prayers are with you. There are so many firsts that you will face...there is no easy way to face them but through the grace and loving arms of God you will. Know that so many are praying you through this and all the upcoming "firsts". Praying that there will be new memories made and moments of joy that can come alongside the moments of pain.
Ronnie (Ashcraft) Arrington

Mama Ethiopia said...

Oh Holly, I am so sorry for this tragic loss. I've been praying for you all and will continue to pray for grace to get through each day.

Cheramy said...

oh for His grace to carry you every moment of every day, Holly. You are so being lifted up...

Jennifer Doyle said...

Praying for you Holly.

Darcy and David said...

Holly--
We've never met, but I've followed your blog, as my husband and I adopted through IAN and live in Manitou. I heard of Dave's passing through a co-worker of my husband's and quickly connected the dots. My heart aches for you and your kiddos.You are all in my thoughts and prayers as you navigate this difficult time.

Hope our paths cross in the future.
Best, Darcy Hurlbert

Behn and Meg said...

Found your blog and heard your story through Project Hopeful Awassa and have prayed for you a dozen times since. You and your family will continually be in my thoughts and prayers! Praying that God will hold you in His astounding grace and hope.

Jill said...

Praying for you and for the day you can do more than float through the days. I know that day will come.