In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I just miss him!

Oh Lordy!  Just a little while ago, I had a day 2 cry.  For those of you who were not here to witness such a cry, it is just loud.  Really loud.  On day one to three, I actually couldn't cry loud enough, but tonight it felt like it brought about a much needed release of simply crying out to Dave.  This is what elicited such pangs.  For 10 years now, I have played on the same-ish volleyball team.  After every. Single.  Game.  I have called Dave on the way home to give the game stats.  Did we win or lose?  Who played well?  How many hits did I get and if I didn't get any, who wasn't setting well that night? (just kidding).   Dave was just as passionate about volleyball as I am.  He got giddy about a lot, and volleyball was one of those things.  It was a terrible, lonely, achy, ride home, not having my personal cheerleader and stats keeper on the other end of the line.  Who would care about my stats except for Dave?

During the game, I held things together fairly well, but it got a little touch and go when an opposing player said across the net, "You are really good at placing the ball."  There is just something about a man affirming you verses a woman, in my humble opinion.  For the record, I don't think I would be a very good candidate for the women's lib. circuit.  Not because I think women are any less capable at everything, other than maybe heavy lifting, but because I think God made men and women different.  My best friends have always been girls.  I have the funniest, most amazing, inspiring, loving, caring, and the list goes on, friends ever, but not one of them can affirm me, the same way that a man could.  And Dave was just so good at it.  I miss him so so much.

While I'm sure I don't have to explain that nobody can take Dave's place or affirm me like he did, I will say that I have been so impacted by the support of so many men.  Even the mail man and the window guy have shared tears with me over Dave.  And some of the letters and messages that I have received from guys have felt like they have come from a sacred place within them.  The time and thought put into the right words, the way they desire to help protect me financially and otherwise, the schedule they have set up to carry out all the manly duties around here, and the willingness to cry for me is something that I can't figure out how to thank.  I see it as standing in for Dave as much as possible, in a way that my girlfriends just can't.  I'm not in any way diminishing the desperate need and love for my girlfriends here - I mean they are practically breathing for me - but I think you probably all know what I mean.

Back to Dave, real quick.  I loved how he thought I was a sports super star, even though I'm a fairly average athlete.  Whenever I burned a meal or the laundry started piling up and I would be upset about not being "Holly Homemaker," he would say, "Holls, that's not why I married you.  I married you because you play hard."  In fact, one of the first and probably one of the only memories he had of me in college (as hard as it is to believe, he was in the cool crowd and I was not) was me scrambling around the flag football field.  I always loved it when he told that story, because that is what I wanted someone to love about me - that I love to play.

I miss Dave.  I just can't say it enough.


Sharon said...

Your ability to write so beautifully in the midst of this is amazing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts-it helps me to know how to pray for you.

Jenny R said...

I'm so sorry Holly.. We're praying for you.. Your post brought tears to my eyes.. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you..