In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Last Monday, was definitely a new low, as promised in my last post. Our paperwork again, was not signed and we sit here two weeks later, and no paperwork still signed, which leads us to have to make one of the most difficult decisions that we may ever have to make. That is not what this post is about though, even though, that is what is on my mind in my sleep, my awake time, and pretty much all the time that I am not teaching piano. Thank God for teaching. I LOVE it! Not only because it takes my mind off of my adoption hardness, but because kids are just so fun to teach. My students probably have no idea how much I love them, or they might think I'm kinda weird. Anyway . . . That is what my train of thought is like lately. All over the place.

So, back to last Monday's new low. It was no longer time to hold it together. It was time to explode. All the togetherness, I had mustered up in the previous months, broke loose. Not in a somber quiet way, but in a raging crying way. I'm embarrassed even thinking about it. I will say, that what ignited the downfall of my demeanor was receiving a SECOND notice of speeding by one of those picture taking police vehicles. I can assure you that I am a slow driver. In fact, I think that all that these tickets prove is that I am a slow driver. One was for going one mile over the speed limit (there is a touch more to this story, but for the sake of the story, just roll with it) and the other was for going 5 miles over the speed limit, in a 25 zone down Colorado Avenue. Seriously! So, that is what put me over the edge. I felt like governments all over the world were just trying to stick it to me and I am a decently good person . . . . . . . . to everyone, but my husband, that night.

Someone, was going to feel my pain and my anger, and it wasn't any of you. That night, I couldn't understand how he couldn't be crying and weeping like me. How heartless can he be? He should feel what I am feeling, WHEN I am feeling it? Right? He was saying heartless things, like, "Just try to put it out of your mind." "You need to detach, Holly." "It'll all work out." And the list of quick fixes continued. In my mind, he may as well have been saying, "I hate you, Holly." I didn't want him to fix anything, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and I made sure that happened. I'm not patting myself on the back. In fact, it kinda reminded me of "You've got Mail" when Tom Hanks talks about how he throws out zingers and then wishes he could take them back. That is what happened. I hit Dave where it hurt. And when I saw it, part of me felt good, but most of me didn't. He lashed back for a couple minutes, but then stopped, put his hand on my arm and began to pray. What??? How did he do that? Just minutes before I was shooting red arrows of fire out of my blue eyes at him and saying hurtful things and not even on accident!

Sometimes I wish I was one of those adoptive parents who have on their profile things like, "I married my best friend and each day I have with him is like a day in someplace way better than paradise, etc. . . . . . . " I'm not quite there with Dave, but there are moments like these, where I am in awe of him.

Well, I know this post isn't related to our adoption, but it is certainly related to our adoption life. It is hard to go through something this crazy, when the other person that is going through it, doesn't always react the same way. Hopefully, I can have as much grace as Dave did last Monday, when he is dealing with things in his own way. And, hopefully, we can arrive on the same page with our big decision that we need to make. And, yes, that is another giant prayer requests for those of you not too tired to keep praying for us and "the Goose."

1 comment:

Jodi said...

so true - going through the same thing right now! Praying for y'all