Where to begin. I feel like I'm sitting in front of my budget that I threw out long ago and am attacking it again. Surely, many of you have been there before, right? I'm overwhelmed by all the things I have to say and I have kind of dreaded writing, because I don't even know where to begin. Some of if is because I don't know how much to share. What will come back to haunt me? What will my agency not be pleased with if I write it here? How many readers will think that all I do in life is think, dream, cry and live adoption, thus live a depressing life? So, know that while the adoption world is VERY depressing, our lives are still full, by the grace of God. I mean, Spence, at this very moment is in his room, singing at the top of his lungs, "I'm gonna jump, jump, jump, jump, jump for joy." Even the first part of that sentence brings me joy . . . "he's in his room," while I'm out here with some free minutes.
So, my last post was about Dave traveling to meet N and what a trip it was! It accomplished everything that we wanted (at least all the things within reason) and he had a great time doing it:
1. We feel like we got a clearer picture of why we still don't have our paperwork signed after 4 months of waiting (it should take a week) and he was able to talk to the orphanage director who was going to TRY and talk to MOWA and convince them to move our cases to the top of the list.
2. It was confirmed that paperwork in his region IS moving again - Praise God!
3. He brought much needed formula, vitamins, medicine, and food for N's orphanage. It is here that I would like to literally pour out my gratitude for those of you who donated formula, vitamins and anyone who has donated money along the way. I can't thank you enough. Truly, truly truly. Even if I don't ever get you a personal thank you note, I am beyond appreciative and grateful!!!!! He brought literally hundreds of dollars worth of formula and he bought hundreds more dollars of food while he were there and it still doesn't feel like it was enough. If you saw how little our 6 month old baby is, you would know why.
4. Dave got to see where our little boy is living. N is seriously loved there. All the kids are!
5. Lastly and most importantly, Dave got to meet N. He is so amazing!!!!! You would just die if you saw his huge smile. It literally takes up his whole face. I wish I could post it here. He is so so so tiny and he doesn't want to put any weight on his legs. However, by the third day there, he was already starting to put a little weight on them, thanks to Dave's PT work. This part is the very VERY hard part, obviously. N needs to be in therapy already, he needs to be seeing a Dr. to figure out why he is not gaining any weight, he is hungry, he has a yucky cough and the list goes on.
To feel like you can't speed up the process and to know that the process from here on out is just getting more difficult and lengthened, is enough to literally take away my breath if I think about it for more than about 10 seconds. I'm shocked at how adept I have become at stuffing my emotions. When I was only a month into this drama, people were probably petrified to even look my direction for fear of needing a case of kleenex on hand. Now I just feel like I need to let it out once in a while, and then from there I can pack up the kleenex and move on. I'm not saying that is a good thing, I'm just sayin' . . . . .
You would think that this would be a time of great spiritual growth in my life. I think it is a time of growth, but not because of anything I am doing. I am not tearing through the Bible understanding new facets of God each day. I am not going to bed listening to the words of wise spiritual leaders that shed eternal light on my situation. In fact, a gymnastics teen drama, named "Make it or Break It," has been successfully distracting me at bedtime, so that I can push aside adoption and actually fall asleep. That is just how spiritual I have been lately. I pray many times a day, but usually I have to add at the end of the prayer, "Lord please pretend that my heart is in this prayer." It goes back to wanting to not feel pain, so I just don't. If I enter into prayer too deeply, it just hurts a little too much. What I AM doing is holding on to my faith. Holding on to knowing that God set us on this path and he will see it through to the end. And I do believe that I WILL be able to say, when all is said and done, "Look at what God has done." But I'm too much in the middle of it right now. I can't say that . . . YET.
So, those of you who are pray-ers and good thought senders . . . We still need some serious prayer and good thoughts for N and for this process. I am so blessed to have supporters around us and I know that it feels like this process is long, that maybe your prayers should be portioned out to others by this time, but we still really need them. If you see us around, please indulge us by letting us show you how beautiful he is. That smile of his and all of you is what will get us through the next grueling year!