In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Blessed in a Non Happy Way

I have been hanging on to a rope with this adoption lately. I haven't been swinging on it, and I haven't been climbing it, I've just been hanging on it. I just let go, though. I'm swimming in the mud. It has been a very tough week, to say the very least. Back in August, we were told that our adoption may not ever be completed, due to the southern region of ET closing themselves off to adoption. At that time, we were told that we could move forward with another referral if we wanted. We were also told that we could move forward with another referral and have the option to continue the adoption with N if he ever became available. The 3 families in this position all opted to stay the course with our referrals until we were certain that things looked ultimately hopeless to continue. Then in September, we were told that things were moving forward again in the South and they were going to start signing paperwork. They said they would finish signing paperwork by the end of September. And here we sit, with no paperwork signed, STILL.

What makes this week so difficult is two things. First, the option to move forward with another referral is now off the table, as of yesterday. The thought that maybe God wanted us to have a couple of kids from ET and that this is the route he was going to choose is what has made this extra wait palatable. I will say, there is some relief in that option being taken away from us. I don't have to be thinking of what car to upsize to, or paying for preschool (or college for that matter) for 3 more kids or how large the laundry pile and grocery bill would grow to be. But it still feels like a loss.

The second reason for this week being so emotionally difficult is very selfish and I know this. It feels like there were a lot of people hanging on the rope with me for the last couple of months, but now all, but the other 2 in my same position, have just scampered up the rope and are now swinging in the trees. Court dates have been handed out, families have passed court, and families that got their referrals at the same exact time as us have brought home their babies already. And the clincher, new referrals are ready to hand out and we are going to have to watch them fly past us while our child is still hungry in an orphanage millions of miles away. I am happy for them and that is the honest truth, but with all the swinging in the trees, it has shaken me off my rope.

If I were to end my post here, I would name it, "In the Mud," but I'm not done yet. As I mentioned in my last post, it has been difficult for me to even pray or to look for comfort and encouragement from God on my own. But from time to time, I'll hear something that allows me to catch a breath of fresh air or two, even if I'm in the mud. Two Sunday's ago, our sermon was on the beatitudes. Because God's word is living and active, it can hit you right where you are in a way you have never experienced.

Matthew 5:3 says, "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Our pastor described the translation of this "blessed" as "heading in the right direction." It means something much different than the typical "happy" that we usually associate with being blessed. The gist was that we know when we are on the right path that God has for us when we are poor in spirit and I can tell you, that is where I am. I am out of spirit, in fact. We think that God wants us when we look and feel our best, but it is totally opposite of that.

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Usually, I think of mourning as in someone dying, but in this case, it is talking about mourning for the brokenness of the world. I feel like I have been awakened to a bigger picture of brokenness, through this process. The political systems, the corruption, the very picture of my baby being left somewhere, because his mother and father couldn't take care of him is just pure brokenness. I wish there wasn't a need for adoption and I wish that adoption was so much easier than this, but it is because this world is full of brokenness. The next part of the verse, says that I will be comforted. So I trust that I will make it through this day and through this week and the next.

Well, I'm not sure that my kids actually want to watch another cartoon, so I guess I better get going. I've got my adoption portion of my day over with early. Now it is time to push it back, and have a normal day. I hope it will be a good one for all of you who read this today.

P.S. - If you have ever tried to comment and it didn't work, I think I fixed that setting. I know that reading anonymously is sometimes nice, but if you ever want to comment, you should be able to now.


Becky Armstrong said...

Holly, thank you for your honesty and outpouring of emotions. Obviously we don't know the why's in this situation, but continue to rely on faith that God has your best interest and N's best interest in mind through this journey. You are so clearly within His will. Hang in there and hugs those precious kiddos for us!
Becky Armstrong

Alissa said...

I am here with you my dear friend. Knee deep in the mud along side you. I will pray, and send good vibes for you. We are in this together lean on me when you need to. I so clearly understand your pain. Hugs my deal friends. We are truly neighbors in all this.

Bonnie said...

Praying that God will comfort you!

A said...

Holly-I remember feeling like that when we were waiting to bring Ethan home. We had our bags packed to fly to Guatemala and then we got a call that the Guatemalan govt wanted an addendum to our paperwork. It was going to set us back months and months. God came through and spoke to me about what we needed to do next. We were on a flight just 10 days later. I'll be praying for you!