In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

My Kids Have Stepped on Too Many Cracks!

Say what?  How is summer actually here?  Maybe I'm making this up, but I seriously think that it snowed the same week that my girls got out of school for summer break.  I am underwhelmingly not prepared for summer at all.  Sadly, this is the case, because my herniated disc is still quite miserable.  I know I look like I can walk and function, but it's all a ruse, people.  If I hadn't lost Dave and I didn't require so much tending to over the past two years, I'm sure I would be laying my pain on thick to everyone and anyone who would listen or even pretend to listen.  I'm just sick of feeling so needy and like such an impossible case.

I, finally, did meet with a surgeon this week and I feel like I have some glimmer of hope of getting out of pain.  A million times over I have heard NOT get back surgery under any circumstances, but I just don't think I can take it anymore.  I am going to try some cortisone shots first and I really pray for the millionth time that I will return to normal and that I can avoid surgery.  But, at this point, I am willing to go under the motha loving knife.

I still can't believe that I managed to lose my husband and gain a herniated disc, all within ten months.  Surely, life will get easier?  Right?  I seriously feel like, if I can get out of pain, I can do anything.  I can easily be a single parent that can pack healthy lunches, cook dinner, get definition in my triceps, volunteer in my children's classrooms, reads books every night, sends out Birthday cards on time and wash sheets twice a week (not that I would actually do that, but I COULD!).  However, this summer I feel like I am back to the beginning of last summer.  I'm just trying to survive.  Just trying not to fold.

My pain was 100 times more manageable a month ago, but it has altered again, to where there is NO comfortable position and it really hurts when I try to sleep.  Not being able to sleep, because you are in so much pain, is no joke.  I am literally counting the minutes until May 28th, which is the soonest I could get in to get shots.  I don't get that either?  Anyone who is getting shots is in pain, but it takes two weeks to get an appointment?  I'm not totally sure I'll make it.  I don't know what the alternative is, but I might find out.  

I feel quite unspiritual lately, as you might be able to tell from my harsh language (i.e. - "motha loving knife").  Just kidding. Yet, the only thing that brings me any kind of encouragement is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that somehow God will use this, too and that He is still here, walking me through this. But it you don't think that I have used even harsher language with God on a daily basis, you would be wrong.  I'm pretty sure I have said this before, but I'm so thankful that I can share EVERY single thought, frustration, and emotion with my God, and I don't have to feel guilty.  He can handle it all.  I don't have to pretend that this is OK to be a good little Christian.  God has got my heart and I love Him, but it doesn't keep me from saying exactly how I feel about all of this to Him.  And when I do, I know he still pours out his grace and I pray that he'll pour out His healing, too.    

Because there are not any good pictures to go along with this kind of crazy pain, I will post a couple of pictures of Tony from a couple posts ago.  It has been amazing to have someone who is willing to encourage me through this trial and to keep life exciting and lighthearted in a set of circumstances that are anything but!  I do thank God for him, that is for sure.  

It's good to learn early on in a relationship, whether or not you can trust someone with your camera.  I guess I've got my answer to that one.


Gloria said...

I know I don't know you at all, I think I stumbled across your blog because someone posted about your husband's passing over a year ago, but I keep reading because I feel connected to you thrugh your writing. You are real and vunerable, and that's unique! I like it. (Don't think me a crazy stalker, really I'm cool. I'm a soon-to-be adoptive mama and a fellow Christian who just loves your blog! - My blog is if you want to check me out.)

But what I really wanted to say is, have you considered essential oils for your back pain? I know it sounds sort of new-agey, but I have been using them for a little while now and know so many peope who rave about how it took away their horrible pain and even prevented surgery in some cases. I would love to share more with you if you're interested, at least in the meantime before you can get shots and scheduled for surgery. You can email me (Gloria) at cgrozelle at if you would like to chat more about them.

Sorry for the long comment!!

Agnes Lawson said...

Herniated discs are truly painful, and I'm sorry you had to get through all that. If there's anything good about your situation, is that you have a surgeon that could help you with your pains. I know you had previously shunned surgery -- but at this point, there's nothing to lose at all, right? If your doctor recommends for you to go through with it, perhaps it's a good decision to elect surgery. Good luck, and get well soon!

Agnes Lawson @ MedWell Spine, OsteoArthritis & Neuropathy Center