I, finally, did meet with a surgeon this week and I feel like I have some glimmer of hope of getting out of pain. A million times over I have heard NOT get back surgery under any circumstances, but I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am going to try some cortisone shots first and I really pray for the millionth time that I will return to normal and that I can avoid surgery. But, at this point, I am willing to go under the motha loving knife.
I still can't believe that I managed to lose my husband and gain a herniated disc, all within ten months. Surely, life will get easier? Right? I seriously feel like, if I can get out of pain, I can do anything. I can easily be a single parent that can pack healthy lunches, cook dinner, get definition in my triceps, volunteer in my children's classrooms, reads books every night, sends out Birthday cards on time and wash sheets twice a week (not that I would actually do that, but I COULD!). However, this summer I feel like I am back to the beginning of last summer. I'm just trying to survive. Just trying not to fold.
My pain was 100 times more manageable a month ago, but it has altered again, to where there is NO comfortable position and it really hurts when I try to sleep. Not being able to sleep, because you are in so much pain, is no joke. I am literally counting the minutes until May 28th, which is the soonest I could get in to get shots. I don't get that either? Anyone who is getting shots is in pain, but it takes two weeks to get an appointment? I'm not totally sure I'll make it. I don't know what the alternative is, but I might find out.
I feel quite unspiritual lately, as you might be able to tell from my harsh language (i.e. - "motha loving knife"). Just kidding. Yet, the only thing that brings me any kind of encouragement is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that somehow God will use this, too and that He is still here, walking me through this. But it you don't think that I have used even harsher language with God on a daily basis, you would be wrong. I'm pretty sure I have said this before, but I'm so thankful that I can share EVERY single thought, frustration, and emotion with my God, and I don't have to feel guilty. He can handle it all. I don't have to pretend that this is OK to be a good little Christian. God has got my heart and I love Him, but it doesn't keep me from saying exactly how I feel about all of this to Him. And when I do, I know he still pours out his grace and I pray that he'll pour out His healing, too.
Because there are not any good pictures to go along with this kind of crazy pain, I will post a couple of pictures of Tony from a couple posts ago. It has been amazing to have someone who is willing to encourage me through this trial and to keep life exciting and lighthearted in a set of circumstances that are anything but! I do thank God for him, that is for sure.