In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Friday, November 8, 2013

A Little Holiday Beginnings Update - Part I

A few minutes in a quiet house!  Halleluhah!  I couldn't be more grateful for this hour that I get to sit down with my kids' Halloween candy and write for two seconds.  I have so much to write about, that seriously, this is going to be a jumble.  Everything is a jumble. I mean if I can just get one homework assignment or one permission slip turned in on time each week, we'd be making real progress around here.  

I am definitely still in quite a season right now.  When I look back over the summer, I almost laugh condescendingly at myself.  Oh, dear sweet Holly, you knew nothing then.  How did I think I was doing pretty well back then, when I am so delicate now?  I wonder what I'll say about November, when I get to next March?  So, this little summary is just how I THINK I am doing.    

These months are interesting, because starting around right now, I have very clear memories of what we were doing last year at this time.  I can recite pretty much all of our weekend plans, starting in October 2012 through when he died.  Like on October 5th, when Charles the dog, threw up all night long and Dave took care of all of it and in my grogginess I thought to myself, "I'm so glad Dave loves that dog so much."  Or on December 1st, when we were at a friend's house and Dave said with a strange look in his eye, "We should play our duet on the piano, Holly." And I said with an equally strange look, "Do we know a duet, Dave, . . . since you don't play the piano?"  (It was this little improvisational deal that makes it seem like you know how to play and then he made everyone in the room try it).  Or like on December 15th, when we went to Anthony's birthday party and Dave left early with the kids, so that I could just finish getting ready by myself.  And that night, we marveled over how amazing it was that we were standing in a room full of friends with which we had such a deep, rich and long history.  I can remember countless insignificant and significant conversations throughout these months last year.  It's like the day he died, I looked back and took a picture and the flash extended to Spencer's Birthday party at the beginning of October.  Having all these vivid memories makes it seriously feel like he was here just last week.  It is fun to have such vivid memories and also so piercingly painful, because it just makes it feel all over again, like, "Surely, this didn't really happen? Rats! It really did."

I do feel like I am mostly doing well, despite the hardness of this season. Although, I don't think the piano tuner would share the same sentiment.  I am back to crying in front of the most random people when Dave's story comes up.  Or the other night, I was relishing some great girl time, with friends that I have known since my first round of being single.  They are so hysterically funny and we were just this ridiculous group of gaggling gals in the back of Panera.  Then, someone asked how I was doing with this journey and I immediately started tearing up.  Three minutes before that, crying was the last thing I would have thought I would do that night, but the tears are just so close to the surface.  So, if I'm dropping Spencer off at school, I don't cry anymore.  If I'm ordering a burger, I don't cry anymore.  If I'm working out, I don't cry anymore, but if I talk about Dave, it's pretty likely that I'll cry, right now, even though I wasn't like that a couple a months ago.  I honestly don't feel like I'm doing worse than I was a couple months ago, I just feel like it's this new season.  A season where my soul is healing, but my missing Dave-ness is off the charts.

Well, this post hasn't been as disordered as I thought it might be, so at the risk of trying to squeeze in too much, I'll stop for now and resume Part II - an update on my three little Aldridges - next week.


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