In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Backwards Motion

Good Golly Miss Molly! Now if all of those were four letter words, you would actually know how I am feeling. I bet there are a few of you out there, that after a cutie little video and a couple of good days, might think that things are starting to fall into place around here. Don't be deceived, my dear friends. We are now home a little over 2 weeks and today was without question, the hardest to date. There were quite a few tears from all parties, not withstanding the grown ups. So, to those whose prayers for us are beginning to wane somewhat, please don't stop now. We would be beyond grateful.

I'd be lying if I said that every day was terrible, because there have actually been a couple of doable days. However, I hesitantly (because I don't totally know what I'm doing) venture to say that those days were more about keeping the statue quo than about moving forward. As long as I am trying to make everybody happy, things are OK, but the minute I need to take a little charge, there is some weeping and knashing of teeth that can be heard across the Pike's Peak region. My theory is this. I have now had some time under my belt to observe a little more about our newest member. I've realized (with some help from another adoptive family) that there is a difference between her kind, "No, thank you" and her "NO" with a few expletives in front and in back of it. I am picking up on the subtle lip gestures that are not friendly in nature, as well as all that lies behind the good ol' Ethiopian one sided shoulder shrug. All that to say, today was the end of observation and the beginning of taking back a little control around here.

As I've mentioned before, she is pretty into Dave, so sometimes when Dave is home, it is easy to let him deal with her, instead of me. I'll do the playing, but Dave will do the dirty work. For instance, when I try to give her a bath, it is mostly just screaming and meltdowns, but when he gives her a bath, she practically falls asleep as he massages the conditioner through her curly locks. Anyway, today, was different. While Dave was in charge of the other two, I was in charge of Maci Meeraf and I can assure this move was not a hit with the dear one. She put up more of a fight than I've ever seen before and her stamina was remarkable. I am happy to announce that she is sleeping right now, however, I am not happy to announce that I'm wrung out completely and starting to question why we ever thought this was a good idea?

Right at this very moment I am terribly sad that I told Leah that I would read her a book and scratch her back before bed, but she fell asleep before I could get there. I even tried to wake her back up, so I could follow through on my promise. Out of all the things to cry about today, the thing with Leah is the one I can't stop crying about, but I suppose it may be a an accumulation of hard hours in the day doing a little catching up.

Hopefully, sometime in the nearish future, I will have a post that will have a title like, "Progress Being Made," "She Didn't Cry When I Washed Her Hands!," "Fun day in New Zealand," but for now, the days just kind of stink and I'm feeling like we are pedaling hard, but we're going backwards.


Noodles said...

You are an amazing person Holly, she is lucky to have you. One day at a time. Praying for yoU!

Jenny said...

I am a friend of Karen K. I saw a comment from her on FB and followed it to your blog. If you are not already familiar with them, contact the Colorado Post-Adoption Resource Center. They are having a conference April 28 in Thornton, CO. As a mental health counselor I have been VERY impressed with what I have heard from them and I think the conference would be worth your time and $. Attaching to her will be much different than it was for your bio children and you may have to do somethings differently. Here is a link to their website:

Anonymous said...

I think you are doing amazing, Holly! You impress me daily with how you are transitioning right now. Just know, that if I didn't already have a mom, I would love for you to adopt me! Just keep up what you are doing and I will keep up what I am doing - LOTS of praying! Call me if I can do ANYTHING!!! Love you!

Emily said...

let's get together at a park this week-it's supposed to be gorgeous out- you, me, some starbucks and some sun:) let me know what day/time works for you-- monday is my only bad day-:)

Mama, Ababa, and Woosha said...

We've been home with our now 3 1/2 year old son for 9 months and I've posted some of the things that helped us on our blog: mamaababaandwoosha,

We were in ET for the first 3 months, so totally cocooned and went through the toughest weeks there (and there were some really, REALLY tough times). It is really hard the first few months, but totally worth it. It does get better!

We found the Connected Child so helpful (and hear that the DVD series is even better). Get as much sleep as you can so that you have patience, try to schedule fun things for your kids to do with other people so that you can really focus on her for a while. It helped us a lot to think of our son's "family age". Even now, if we remember his family age is 9 months, that helps us be more patient and understanding and provide the nurturing he needs, even if it seems "babyish" or unnatural to us in the moment.

Sharon said...

I remember these days so, so well, Holly. It will get better...don't give up. It's a huge time of transition for everyone. I second the recommendation of the Empowered to connect resources.

sharon Hoover said...

We love you all and know you must feel like giving up some days, but we will continue to hold you up to our amazing God and hope that you begin, soon, to have more manageable days. I'm sorry about the time with Leah and hope you will have some special time with each of the kids. Hang on, it must get better or no one would ever adopt.:0)