I have no idea if everyone throughout time hits their 40's and then deconstructs their faith or if it is a sweeping idea across American Christianity right now. It kind of seems like the latter, but I could be completely wrong. I don't know if I am deconstructing my faith, but I am certainly challenging some ideas that I grew up believing. This biggie, is one that I was taught was NOT true of the Christian faith, but I know that I feel it very deeply. The basic idea, is that I can earn the love of God, by being a really obedient Christian. I've always been taught, out loud, that I can not earn the love of God, but being where I am right now, I can tell I don't believe that. I believe that I MUST be obedient to earn the love of God.
I have never challenged this idea until now. I grew up going to church. I grew up loving church and loving Jesus. I quit club volleyball when I was in high school, because tournaments interfered with going to church on Sundays. I went to a Baptist college. I seriously think I had no more than 5 sips of alcohol until I was 35 years old. I married a fellow Oklahoma Baptist University-ian. We adopted a child from Ethiopia, because I had always felt called by God to do so. When Dave, my husband, died, I walked closely to God, even in my anger towards him. I averaged about one cuss word per alf a year and these lips never saw a cigarette or a drug. Why wouldn't God love me??? Even though I was well aware of my "little" daily sins, I just didn't struggle with feeling acceptable enough to be loved.
THEN . . . I got a divorce. After the death of my first husband, I married somebody who sadly replaced control for genuine love. I could not stay and could not allow my kids to stay.
I stayed as long as I did, because divorce meant possible hell. Divorce meant, that I may no longer qualify for Gods love. By the time I left, I had felt way more comfortable with leaving. I felt like if I stayed I was disobeying God just as much as if I divorced. It was basically a lose lose situation, so I may as well lose, and save the lives of me and my kids in the process. (This was my thought process).
AND THEN . . . I did something I never thought I would do. I started dating someone who is not a believer. And I still am. I love him. Now, I feel very unqualified to be loved by God. Somedays, I want to run back to the safety of my rules. If I could return to being the model Christian, then maybe, I will feel like I'm back in the fold. I feel unqualified to write about Jesus, to have any form of leadership in the Christian world (and I probably shouldn't), or to be looked on with approval by God. I, seriously, can't imagine what it feels like to be LGBTQ and to also want to follow Jesus. Do they struggle with the same questions of feeling acceptable enough to be loved by God? I hope not.
I was talking to a piano student at lessons this last week. We were talking about how we both feel like we have two different lives. The perfect Christian life and the life that came after the CRAZY in our lives. Probably a lot of you can relate. A lot of you have had some crazy in your lives. My crazy has certainly messed with my faith. Probably most people who have lived with a spouse or parent that appeared to be very Christiany on the outside, but was different behind closed doors, knows how much it messes with your faith. Then when others in the church community support them and not you, it devastates your faith, as they call his actions holy and mine, not. (Not everyone in my church community did this, but some did). In these cases, spiritual abuse IS at play. I have been fortunate to have had really important conversations with some of the leadership from my former church, but it hasn't undone what happened to my faith throughout my divorce.
While it surprises me that I would find myself loving someone who doesn't share my beliefs about Jesus, it also doesn't at the same time. On our second date, I LITERALLY cried throughout half of it, because it had been a LONG time, since I felt safe with a guy. (I, to this day, can't believe he went on a third date with me after that cry fest. I mean . . . it was not just a tear or two.) I was safe to be completely be me. I definitely knew he wouldn't be using the Bible to shame me or question me. But really, it was just a feeling of safety and care.
But back to the question at hand. Am I unqualified for God's love, because of this choice I am making. Would I, all of the sudden, be qualified, if my sweet boyfriend gave his life to Jesus tonight??? Is God's love that finicky? Is it based on what I do, or is it REALLY based on what he has done. I can tell you, that ever since I got a divorce, I still can't keep my tears in whenever I think of Jesus. I just can't. And it's been that way, ever since my tidy Christian persona came to a halt. I have NEVER felt the depth of his love in such great measure, than when I feel so undeserving. I've spent my first 43 years of life pretty much feeling like I was deserving of being in the IN crowd of Jesus. I just can't believe that he sees me as pure, because of what HE has done. How can it be?
I have one lovely, but difficult daughter, who is CONSTANTLY asking in a million different ways, a million times a day, if she is loved. She has had an impossible life, with WAY more hurt than any child should have by age 11. It is so beyond frustrating and exhausting that she can NOT seem to wrap her arms around the idea that my love for her has ZERO to do with her behavior, accomplishments and failures. How many times have I begged her to just believe that the ONLY requirement for my love is that she is my daughter????? Why am I so confused by her distrust of my love when I have the same trouble believing that my behavior and my accomplishments have ZERO to do with how much my Father loves me, even though he has already shown me the depth of his love by dying for me?
It is a little crazy how I knew most answers to my faith when I was in my 20's and now, all I can say, is JESUS. And then the tears come. I know nothing . . . but Jesus.
