Big Week

My post last Thursday was pretty pathetic sounding, I know. I wish I could say that I wasn't as pathetic as I sounded, but that would have been a lie. Anyway, thanks for letting me unload that day. I was able to move on from there and actually have quite an enjoyable weekend of doing pretty much nothing productive. My goal was to get my laundry all put away, but when it is in the mid 70's and there is a snowstorm coming in a couple of days, I figure the laundry can wait, right? We just had to be outside this weekend. I'll post a couple of pictures.

Part of the reason this weekend was not too shabby is because of the hope that I have for the next couple of days. I hope this hope isn't misplaced! On Friday, we were told that the regional MOWA that has had our paperwork on hold for almost 5 months now, has been told by the regional government (at least that is what I have understood, so don't quote me on that), to sign off on all completed paperwork. That is us!!! Our paperwork is there . . . it is compleetoe . . . now somebody, please, just take a pen and sign it. Two members of the ET staff should be there now, ensuring that this step will be done, so we can move on to the next (and welcome) step of waiting.

I can't help thinking that this will be it. This will be the week that we have been waiting for, for so long. I have admittedly said that if it doesn't happen on Monday or Tuesday of this week, it will be a new low and after last week, I'm not sure how low that low will be. We have heard many a time, that our paperwork is going to be signed, but this just has to be the actual time. I can see some of you cringing as I may be setting myself up for utter disappointment and trust YOU ME, I'm scared to even find out the fate of the next two days.

Well, it is late, so I won't drivel any more. I have enjoyed the weekend, knowing that I won't find out anything, but tomorrow the clock starts on finding out if we will indeed graduate to the next level. Feel free to throw out a prayer or two or twenty for the next two big days even if it is just right now and for 5 seconds. I'd really love it

A trip to the Penny Arcade
Leah Getting in the Spirit of Halloween
Spence and Leah at Happy Apple where we picked out the pumpkin we carved this weekend.

Spencer lounging on the hike we took on Saturday.

Blessed in a Non Happy Way

I have been hanging on to a rope with this adoption lately. I haven't been swinging on it, and I haven't been climbing it, I've just been hanging on it. I just let go, though. I'm swimming in the mud. It has been a very tough week, to say the very least. Back in August, we were told that our adoption may not ever be completed, due to the southern region of ET closing themselves off to adoption. At that time, we were told that we could move forward with another referral if we wanted. We were also told that we could move forward with another referral and have the option to continue the adoption with N if he ever became available. The 3 families in this position all opted to stay the course with our referrals until we were certain that things looked ultimately hopeless to continue. Then in September, we were told that things were moving forward again in the South and they were going to start signing paperwork. They said they would finish signing paperwork by the end of September. And here we sit, with no paperwork signed, STILL.

What makes this week so difficult is two things. First, the option to move forward with another referral is now off the table, as of yesterday. The thought that maybe God wanted us to have a couple of kids from ET and that this is the route he was going to choose is what has made this extra wait palatable. I will say, there is some relief in that option being taken away from us. I don't have to be thinking of what car to upsize to, or paying for preschool (or college for that matter) for 3 more kids or how large the laundry pile and grocery bill would grow to be. But it still feels like a loss.

The second reason for this week being so emotionally difficult is very selfish and I know this. It feels like there were a lot of people hanging on the rope with me for the last couple of months, but now all, but the other 2 in my same position, have just scampered up the rope and are now swinging in the trees. Court dates have been handed out, families have passed court, and families that got their referrals at the same exact time as us have brought home their babies already. And the clincher, new referrals are ready to hand out and we are going to have to watch them fly past us while our child is still hungry in an orphanage millions of miles away. I am happy for them and that is the honest truth, but with all the swinging in the trees, it has shaken me off my rope.

If I were to end my post here, I would name it, "In the Mud," but I'm not done yet. As I mentioned in my last post, it has been difficult for me to even pray or to look for comfort and encouragement from God on my own. But from time to time, I'll hear something that allows me to catch a breath of fresh air or two, even if I'm in the mud. Two Sunday's ago, our sermon was on the beatitudes. Because God's word is living and active, it can hit you right where you are in a way you have never experienced.

Matthew 5:3 says, "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Our pastor described the translation of this "blessed" as "heading in the right direction." It means something much different than the typical "happy" that we usually associate with being blessed. The gist was that we know when we are on the right path that God has for us when we are poor in spirit and I can tell you, that is where I am. I am out of spirit, in fact. We think that God wants us when we look and feel our best, but it is totally opposite of that.

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Usually, I think of mourning as in someone dying, but in this case, it is talking about mourning for the brokenness of the world. I feel like I have been awakened to a bigger picture of brokenness, through this process. The political systems, the corruption, the very picture of my baby being left somewhere, because his mother and father couldn't take care of him is just pure brokenness. I wish there wasn't a need for adoption and I wish that adoption was so much easier than this, but it is because this world is full of brokenness. The next part of the verse, says that I will be comforted. So I trust that I will make it through this day and through this week and the next.

Well, I'm not sure that my kids actually want to watch another cartoon, so I guess I better get going. I've got my adoption portion of my day over with early. Now it is time to push it back, and have a normal day. I hope it will be a good one for all of you who read this today.

P.S. - If you have ever tried to comment and it didn't work, I think I fixed that setting. I know that reading anonymously is sometimes nice, but if you ever want to comment, you should be able to now.

Dave has Returned from Ethiopia

Where to begin. I feel like I'm sitting in front of my budget that I threw out long ago and am attacking it again. Surely, many of you have been there before, right? I'm overwhelmed by all the things I have to say and I have kind of dreaded writing, because I don't even know where to begin. Some of if is because I don't know how much to share. What will come back to haunt me? What will my agency not be pleased with if I write it here? How many readers will think that all I do in life is think, dream, cry and live adoption, thus live a depressing life? So, know that while the adoption world is VERY depressing, our lives are still full, by the grace of God. I mean, Spence, at this very moment is in his room, singing at the top of his lungs, "I'm gonna jump, jump, jump, jump, jump for joy." Even the first part of that sentence brings me joy . . . "he's in his room," while I'm out here with some free minutes.

So, my last post was about Dave traveling to meet N and what a trip it was! It accomplished everything that we wanted (at least all the things within reason) and he had a great time doing it:

1. We feel like we got a clearer picture of why we still don't have our paperwork signed after 4 months of waiting (it should take a week) and he was able to talk to the orphanage director who was going to TRY and talk to MOWA and convince them to move our cases to the top of the list.

2. It was confirmed that paperwork in his region IS moving again - Praise God!

3. He brought much needed formula, vitamins, medicine, and food for N's orphanage. It is here that I would like to literally pour out my gratitude for those of you who donated formula, vitamins and anyone who has donated money along the way. I can't thank you enough. Truly, truly truly. Even if I don't ever get you a personal thank you note, I am beyond appreciative and grateful!!!!! He brought literally hundreds of dollars worth of formula and he bought hundreds more dollars of food while he were there and it still doesn't feel like it was enough. If you saw how little our 6 month old baby is, you would know why.

4. Dave got to see where our little boy is living. N is seriously loved there. All the kids are!

5. Lastly and most importantly, Dave got to meet N. He is so amazing!!!!! You would just die if you saw his huge smile. It literally takes up his whole face. I wish I could post it here. He is so so so tiny and he doesn't want to put any weight on his legs. However, by the third day there, he was already starting to put a little weight on them, thanks to Dave's PT work. This part is the very VERY hard part, obviously. N needs to be in therapy already, he needs to be seeing a Dr. to figure out why he is not gaining any weight, he is hungry, he has a yucky cough and the list goes on.

To feel like you can't speed up the process and to know that the process from here on out is just getting more difficult and lengthened, is enough to literally take away my breath if I think about it for more than about 10 seconds. I'm shocked at how adept I have become at stuffing my emotions. When I was only a month into this drama, people were probably petrified to even look my direction for fear of needing a case of kleenex on hand. Now I just feel like I need to let it out once in a while, and then from there I can pack up the kleenex and move on. I'm not saying that is a good thing, I'm just sayin' . . . . .

You would think that this would be a time of great spiritual growth in my life. I think it is a time of growth, but not because of anything I am doing. I am not tearing through the Bible understanding new facets of God each day. I am not going to bed listening to the words of wise spiritual leaders that shed eternal light on my situation. In fact, a gymnastics teen drama, named "Make it or Break It," has been successfully distracting me at bedtime, so that I can push aside adoption and actually fall asleep. That is just how spiritual I have been lately. I pray many times a day, but usually I have to add at the end of the prayer, "Lord please pretend that my heart is in this prayer." It goes back to wanting to not feel pain, so I just don't. If I enter into prayer too deeply, it just hurts a little too much. What I AM doing is holding on to my faith. Holding on to knowing that God set us on this path and he will see it through to the end. And I do believe that I WILL be able to say, when all is said and done, "Look at what God has done." But I'm too much in the middle of it right now. I can't say that . . . YET.

So, those of you who are pray-ers and good thought senders . . . We still need some serious prayer and good thoughts for N and for this process. I am so blessed to have supporters around us and I know that it feels like this process is long, that maybe your prayers should be portioned out to others by this time, but we still really need them. If you see us around, please indulge us by letting us show you how beautiful he is. That smile of his and all of you is what will get us through the next grueling year!

Dave is Headed Over!

I know I said I was done talking until our adoption was more certain. It is not, but my thoughts continue to brew, even while our adoption sits dormant.

It seems silly now that I got pretty emotional at times about the list not moving fast enough, or even that we weren't submitted to court before they closed. That seems like child's play now, like when your child cries over an enforced bedtime, while the world is falling apart. They felt like big things at the time.

The strange thing is, while our adoption is in a complete state of limbo, I am actually handling it OK (this week). This is what I can't figure out. If I am going to go with the spiritual answer, I would say that I came to the end of my rope and I have nothing left, so I have no other choice than to let God carry me. The whole idea from 2 Cor. 12:9. "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Maybe I have no choice, but to trust God and maybe I am learning to do that. That would be great if that were the case.

OR

Maybe I am learning to become numb to it, in order to enjoy my kids, load the dishwasher, teach piano, play volleyball and enjoy time with friends and family. I am staying very busy on purpose. I have very few weekends that I don't have a string of social engagements and I like it that way. Down time at home is only an invitation to sink into the adoption mire.

Of course, it is also helping that Dave is flying over to see "N" in less than 2 weeks! After getting a little picture of "N" today, I'm sure that it will be better that Dave goes, instead of me. Sometimes I wonder if I love "N," because it doesn't even feel like he exists at times. But when I got that picture this morning, I was so happy (and very very sad). I'm sure you understand.

Part of why Dave is going is probably just to feel like we have some control over something. Another reason, is to just check on the little guy. We don't get medical updates, or growth charts, or paragraphs on how his personality is emerging. We get a picture about every 2 months, at weird angles and while he is sleeping. We actually don't even know if this child will be ours, but at the very least, Dave will at least have met him.

One last reason he is going is to bring FOOD and a couple other items. That basic need of life that we so often forget that others don't have. The needs of his orphanage are great, but we are mainly limiting our packing to formula, baby cereal/food, a couple bumpo chairs and some Children's Tylenol and vitamins. Dave may take a change of clothes, too:) Orphanages get their resources from adoptive parents. Since no kids have been leaving his orphanage, no new kids are coming in. Obviously, this presents a huge problem. With no new kids coming in and getting referred, there is no new money coming in, either. So again, even if "N" doesn't end up being our child, Dave will have at least brought some food to an orphanage that is struggling to provide.

Anywho . . . that is the skinny on our adoption to this day. I thought it would look very different by this time. Some of you are probably starting to wonder if we are just making up this whole story about "N." I promise he is real and hopefully, someday, you will all get to meet him.

Goodbye for Now

"Writing in Pencil"seems very fitting for our blog title right now. However, until I can write in something a little more permanent, I think I'll have to say goodbye.

4 Months Old Today

Today little "N" is 4 months old. I am so proud of him (and his momma) for being one of the few well nourished kids that enter orphanages in Ethiopia. It's really the only thing I know about him, so I'm going to be proud of him for that. The last picture that I saw of him was when he was 2 1/2 months old. I'm sure he is doing so much more now and I'm certain that he is a favorite of at least one of the nannies, if not all. I just know he is! I just wish I could enjoy his little smile and his noises and attempts to roll over . . . both ways! Unfortunately, it's going to be awhile, folks. For this reason, I feel like I'm fighting the good fight to stay out of the swamp called sadness, but my feet are slipping and my hands are losing their grip. I need a boost. I'm gonna need a lot of boosts throughout this indefinite process. So, don't judge me, please, if I take trip to Vegas, even though we have raised money for this adoption. I feel like I need to get on a plane to somewhere. I told Dave today that I'm getting the urge to fly over to ET again. I want to go see him, sooooooooooooo badly. I want to go and put his paperwork in front of the local MOWA that has stopped processing any paperwork and convince them, that keeping my baby (or the 350 other kids in his same position) there, is not in the best interest of anyone on earth!

For those of you who don't know the story, he is in a region where the local MOWA thought it would be a good idea to go through and shut down a bunch of orphanages for a variety of different reasons. That sounds noble if there are orphanages that are violating rules affecting the care of the children, but from what I understand they were shut down for not providing enough humanitarian work outside their walls. In all, 19 orphanages were shut down and then all those kids went into the existing orphanages, thus creating overcrowding. From what I understand, the orphanages are at total capacity and they can no longer accept new kids. It has also caused them to lose track of some of the kids, so I am grateful that they, at least, know where "N" is. This is where it would seem logical for them to sign paperwork, so that they can move kids into care centers in Addis. Logic seems very lost at this point.

I have no redemptive words this time. Just that I'm slipping. Maybe when he is 4 months and a day, I'll be back on top of the rock I've been sitting on the past few weeks.

P.S.-Spence just asked when we are going to get "The Goose" (his nickname). I said "not for a long time." Spencer said, "aren't we gonna die, though?" I hope it won't take that long!!!!!!

Do we stay or do we go?

In one of my more desperate moments on this roller coaster, I posted that I was looking for connections in Awassa, because I was ready to change this years plans to include a 2-3 month stay in ET. Thank you to all who responded with helpful leads, email addresses, personal stories and even warnings. I appreciated all the input, so thank you.

I have gotten some clarity on whether or not to travel to ET between court and Embassy. Two weeks ago I was 90% sure that we were gonna do it, but after new information and some time to get some perspective, I'm am about 90% sure that we won't. The whole point of going was to intercept "N" before he changed locations and caretakers, again. Initially, he wasn't going to move to the care center until after we passed court and now he will get moved to the care center a week before we go to court. Then, just last week, the US Embassy changed the rules. Even if you pass court, you can no longer take your child out of the care center until Embassy clears you, so again, the main reason for going doesn't even exist anymore. And in the midst of all that, God kept asking me, "Do you trust me?" And I kept basically saying "no." I'm not going to say that I think things will turn out all tidy and neat, but I'm getting to the point where I do feel like I am learning to trust Him with baby "N."

So, in this phase when the courts aren't opened any longer, there is no inkling of a chance of getting a court date anytime before November and we have decided not to travel between court and Embassy, I feel strangely excited about simply meeting "N." More than ever before! I am excited to hold him, rub his fuzzy head and just see what he is like. I think that the turning point from desperation to excitement (and I'm not claiming that this will last, BTW), was at Lakeside Amusement Park, of all places. My kids were riding rides with not a care in the world, contagious laughter and the biggest smiles in the world. (See below). I just thought that next year at this time, "N" could be riding these rides with our kids, with the same carefree laughter, squeals, and excitement. All of this unnecessary waiting and all this craziness with getting submitted to court will be a distant memory and in it's place will be our little "king." Yeah!!!!!!!! I can't wait!