If I Could Go Back and Call Off My Wedding Day . . . Would I?

When I left my ex a little over two years ago, I was pretty much consumed by how unfair my life seemed.  In 10 millions years, I did not think that by age 43, I would have had two different husbands and be single, yet again.  I felt so ridiculous for getting myself into such a gigantic mess of a marriage and I occasionally still feel the need to work out the guilt I feel for dragging my kids through the craziness.  But I think now, more than ever, I catch glimpses of genuine gratitude for that BANANAS marriage. As I think about writing on these topics, I have found my mind repeatedly going back to when Joseph said to his brothers that sold him into slavery, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."  Obviously, I'm not saving any lives here, but in my heart, there is so much good that has come out of those 2 1/2 years of craziness.

For quite some time now, I have wondered if I could go back to May 2015 and call off my wedding, would I do it???   Knowing myself, I think I would say, yes, for the sake of my kids and because I really like to avoid pain and those years were packed with pain.  However, if I did call off the wedding, I would be missing out on three ENORMOUS gifts that I have taken with me out of all of this.  So, thank you, JESUS, for taking me through that season, because I never would have chosen it, EVEN IF I KNEW I would walk away with good things.

My First Gift: The continuous, overwhelming presence of God's grace in my life, now that I can no longer call myself a tidy Christian. Ya know . . . getting a divorce and dragging my kids through misery and all.  I have never felt God's grace more strongly than in the past couple of years, when I realized that I seriously CAN'T achieve a life without sin on my own. I mean, I knew the theology, but until I felt outside of the "Christian" rules, I never felt grace like THIS!!!!!  I wrote about this a couple posts ago, so I won't belabor the point, although it deserves belaboring!!!!

My second gift: GRATITUDE

My third gift: Compassion in my parenting. I'll write more on this one next within the next week.

For now . . .  Back to the gift of gratitude.  Had I not married my ex, I would miss a million opportunities to feel grateful.  I'm not a real "sayings on T-shirts" kind of gal, but last summer, I bought a T-shirt with the word grateful on it and I wear all the time, because I just feel grateful for so many more things than I previously did.  The first moments that I realized that I had this new found depth of gratitude was probably the first Saturday after my little family moved back into our house in Manitou.

Here's the story. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, Saturday mornings were for cartoons, cereal and pre-soccer game jitters. When I lived with my ex, none of our kids were allowed to get out of their rooms on a Saturday morning, until, well, basically, my ex released them. (HOW HOW HOW did I live in that craziness??? -  I mean . . . I can sort of explain how I unsuccessfully tried to make this reality different, but not in this post.)  Not once, in the entire time that I was married to my ex, do I remember them watching a TV show on a Saturday morning, let alone, moving freely about our house.  When we moved back to Manitou and the first Friday night rolled around, I said that they can watch TV and grab breakfast when they woke up and that is exactly what they did.  I came out of my room that Saturday morning, and they were cuddled in blankets, watching, "Heartland."  I cried.  I have cried numerous gratitude tears, as I see them lazily watching TV on a Saturday morning, all cuddled up in our puppy and their blankets.  If that had not been taken away from us, it would never have even crossed my mind that I should be so thankful for my kids watching TV.

When I think one of my kids is being funny, I am so thankful.  I can think he or she is funny, without being told that I think my kids walk on water.  I can adore and delight in my kids so freely now!!!!!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not ALWAYS adoring them and delighting in them, but I can openly adore them whenever I want now! I can care for them when they have a headache without being told I coddle them.  I can read to them as long as I want at night, without facing paybacks for spending too much time with them before bedtime. I can nurture my son, without being made fun of, or him being made fun of. We can all eat dinner and not experience the weirdness of even a peaceful dinner. I can love how they still play in imaginative ways, without fearing that my ex will walk in and decide that someone is breaking an unknown rule somehow. I can spend time with my friends without sideways comments before and after. I can teach piano to my kids and other kids without eyes rolling in the background. Every page in a book I read to my kids at night is a pure, simple, gift.  Every time I laugh with them and sing silly songs with them or dance with them, it is another gift.  I can do all these things so freely now.  AND GET THIS! I even have started to enjoy cooking for the first time ever in my life!!!!!  The first time I went camping after I left my ex, I made breakfast burritos and I unexpectedly cried even doing that.  I know that sounds nuts, but even though I was only married to him for 2 1/2 years, I let his subtle ways of putting me down, sink in, and I felt I wasn't even capable of making a breakfast burrito, for crying out loud.

Every. Single. Day. Since I left my ex, I am grateful for the freedom I have to give love and receive love, exactly how God created me to give and receive.  I enjoy the most simple, mundane parts of life so much more and I truly love that I get a whole second half of life, experiencing more joy, even at the littlest things, every day. So, that is gift numero uno. Gift, numero dos, coming tomorrow. For now I'll leave you with some pictures of the most mundane joys I have experienced after returning to a family of four.