Six Years Later (and a month, but who's counting?)

We have now celebrated six of Dave's death days.  I can go back in my memory and describe how I was feeling surrounding the last six deathaverssaries.  The first, I was in absolute survival mode and in so much physical pain with my busted disc that my only goal that day was to survive.  The second, was about the most normal one.  The next three were were miserable and impossible, but not because of grief. The next was so rich, but it took an extreme amount of energy to guard the sacredness of that day.  And now this one.  Year six. Personally, I think it is a good sign that I didn't feel so pressed to write about it in any hurried manner.

A few months ago, I did kind of get a little/lot panicky.  The dates were lined up, just as they were the year that Dave died.  The year he died, school ended on a Friday and I was supposed to go in and help with Spencer's Kindergarten Christmas party.   The next day we were headed to Pagosa Springs, to ski and celebrate Christmas on a Tuesday, with his entire side of the family.  Fast forward to 2018.  This year, school ended on a Friday, with Christmas parties as usual. We were headed up to Pagosa to ski and celebrate Christmas, on a Tuesday, with Dave's entire side of the family.  I was starting to feel like I needed something to be different or that something bad might happen again, with everything lined up so exactly the same.

As Christmas began to creep closer, I expected my fears to escalate, but they did the exact opposite.  I don't know if it had to do with God's continued whisper to me that HE is the SUSTAINER of my life and the life of my kids, or if it was some EMDR work that really helped surrounding this, but I imagine it was a little of both.  In fact, I felt a little over EMDR'ed potentially, because I was actually looking forward to the day in a sweet way.

Truth be told, I actually felt almost a little guilty about feeling so OK with the day and even accepting  of Dave's death.  It was an unfamiliar feeling, for sure. Here is my pattern now. I have that unfamiliar feeling of being a little too OK with Dave's death, so then I feel guilty for about one second and then it is quickly followed by a little smile.  You know why?  Because I am 10,000% sure that Dave is so proud of me and our kids.  He's so proud that we are moving on and enjoying life.  He's so proud that I left an unsafe situation, as scary as it was.  He is so proud that even his death doesn't have the same hold as it has in the past.  He's so proud that we are looking forward to the future.  And he is so proud of who I am, who Spencer is, who Leah is, and who Macie is. (I can't be sure he's proud of Emmit, because he REALLY loved Charles, the dog).  I just know it and I am 10,000% sure that he would want it this way, because DAVE WANTED GOOD THINGS FOR US!  I can't tell you how much I loved that about him and how much that character quality of his, helps me now.

So, on Dave's death day, we really just enjoyed the day with the four of us.  We saw the movie, Ralph Breaks the Internet  (I never would have chosen to see that movie, but I loved it), we did a little last minute Christmas shopping, and then we went to one of those pottery painting places.  We painted plates with things that reminded us of Dave.  Then in the evening, we went home and watched Christmas Vacation, because that is what Dave and I did the night before he died.  I still feel so lucky that Dave and I had such a sweet night, the night before he died.  What a gift!

At the top of Spencer's plate, he added the quote,  "Did you see the Peak?" because EVERY time it snowed on Pikes Peak, Dave would call
from work and make sure we saw the snow up there!

My Dave quote was, "Before we go, everyone needs to pick up
10 pieces of trash."  This quote is meaningful to me, because until
his funeral, I thought maybe he just said that to our family, but one of
his friends that spoke, included that Dave quote in his talk. One thing
I loved at his funeral is that everything I heard was so consistent with
who I knew Dave to be. He was the same person with everyone he
met.  Dave was just Dave.

Another incredible gift that happened the week of Dave's death day is this little story.  I LOVE this.  So, a couple weeks prior, a friend sent me a picture of Macie when she was still in Ethiopia.  It made me realize that I was missing some pictures.  So, I took a cursory glance around for Dave's old phone, wondering if I ever got the pictures off of it.  I couldn't find it, but then I was looking for something else a week later and came across his phone in the most random place ever.  It said it was disabled, but I tried to sync it with my computer and it actually worked.  Some of the pictures I had, but some of them I had NEVER seen and there were a number of videos that I had, also, NEVER EVER seen.  Evidently, when Macie came home, I was busy falling apart and Dave was busy taking videos of her.  So, the week of Dave's death day, you could find the four of us huddled around my computer, watching these new found treasures.

I love the timing of this discovery.  It was so perfect.  I'm so happy that we didn't discover them until now, because now they feel so untainted.  I love that the kids can hear Dave in the videos.  When I took videos it was usually of the kids and not Dave, believe it or not, and usually he was at work or wherever.  But in the videos he took, it was his voice and his personality that you get to know.  There were a couple videos that I think the kids watched literally 20 times.  Those videos were not ones where my kids were performing or doing something video worthy, but they were videos where Dave was interacting with them.  I think they were so hungry to know what Dave was like with them.  I won't post those, because they feel so sacred to my kids, but I want to post a couple of them to share Dave's voice and to share this perfectly timed little treasure.