Cliffhanger Still Unanswered

I know I left everyone with a cliffhanger on the last post and I was hoping that by now I would have pulled everyone up off the cliff, with a direction we are headed, BUT we are still waiting. Waiting for an additional referral or waiting for N's paperwork to get signed. I will say that his file has actually been looked at, documents have been gathered, delivered, and probably ironed, pressed, decorated, bedazzled and anything else that would help it get signed, but they JUST WON'T SIGN IT! It naturally doesn't make any sense to us, whatsoever. It defies any logic. It is truly unexplainable. If there is a word for being way way way way way frustrating - then that is also what it is.

Five and half months and still no signature. The beautiful part of that is that God has probably heard the name of our child thousands of times by now. And if you could just see him, you would know that God has heard our prayers. I know you have heard me say it before, but he literally has the most beautiful smile. If you could just see his little video, you would know that there is just something special about this little guy.

We have been through the ringer in the past 5 months. Sure, we were given a referral that wasn't quite ready. We have spent extra money flying over there. We have cried so many tears. We have been angry. We have grown tired. We. . . . We . . . . We . . . . . However, WE are not the real sufferers in this scenario. It's funny how what one person can say, can change your perspective entirely. Someone on our agency facebook page wrote one time that we have to remember that it's the kids in ET that are really suffering, or something like that. OF COURSE, I've thought that, but something about the way she so simply stated it, just changed my outlook. We are not the ones that don't have enough to eat. We are not the ones that do not have a mom and dad. We are not the ones that are going to lose two more sets of caregivers by the time they get to America. We are not the ones that lie in a little box all day. We are not the ones that have four toys to play with. We are not the ones that rarely go outside.

I've expressed in way earlier posts about my fear of how all of this time in the orphanage will affect N's life, my family's lives and ultimately my life. How would everything have played out if we had not gotten a referral when we did? We would definitely still be waiting for a referral and our referral would still likely have come from this same orphanage . . . only much later. Our referral would probably read that our child went into the orphanage at 10 days old and now they are a year old. I know that I would look at that and think of the statistics. I would be thinking that I would want a child that has been in the orphanage for 4 and a half days, is the healthiest baby that they have ever laid eyes on and has remarkably come with a guarantee that this child will fit perfectly into any family. I seriously might not be too excited about taking a referral of a child that has been in an orphanage that long. TERRIBLE - I KNOW. I'm just saying, I know how selfishly I think and I know that is what I would be thinking. But when we got that picture of N, he became our child. When Dave met him in person, he really really became our child. Now, even if it took 5 years to get him, we still would. We will celebrate N's arrival here, even though we know he will be bringing with him some challenges that he might not otherwise have, if he were allowed to leave the orphanage when he was supposed to.

I don't totally know my point, but I have just been thinking about that lately. Could I possibly actually be thankful for this time? Maybe just a little tiny eensie weensie bit. I hurt every day for N, but I think I might just love him so much more because of this time.

A Big Decision

A little over a week ago, we got a letter in the mail from our agency. In it, they expressed their apologies for putting us through the past five months of torture and they gave us options for what is next. The options were to stay the uncertain course with N, return to the waitlist for another referral and say goodbye to N, or get back on the waitlist AND wait for N to become available.

For about 48 hours, it was literally difficult to catch my breath. This was a HUGE decision. The second option was off the table for sure - after Dave met little N, there was no chance we were going to be able to say goodbye to him. The option to stay the course didn't feel like much of an option, because who can live in that state of limbo for an indefinite amount of time? On Thursday morning, I had the whole morning to myself, so I finally had a good chunk of time to read a little of the old B-I-B-L-E, journal and just pray. I walked away from that time about 90 percent more calm, a regular heartbeat, a normal breathing pattern and basically with an answer. I really felt like God was saying, "You don't even have to make this decision . . . .I will." So, by Friday we had our answer and that was to leave the door open for two kids from Ethiopia. It is out of our hands now. If N's paperwork gets signed before we get a new referral, then we will just be brining him home and I would be so happy! If we get a referral and then N's paperwork gets signed, then I will be so panicked . . . and so happy!

If I had to guess right now, I think we will just be bringing N home, but Dave would guess the opposite. Things seem to be moving with N's paperwork, but the regional Mowa where "the Goose," lives, has been stalling and breaking promises every week, practically, since July, so I don't put too much stock in the "next week" and "tomorrow" promises we continue to hear. So, I wonder how all this is going to play out? Will N's paperwork get signed today? Will we get referral by the end of this week? Will we be making four trips to Ethiopia next year? Will we be be buying a car that will fit 4 kids? Will I ever even get to hold N?

Stayed tuned to find out what happens next.

Husbands

Last Monday, was definitely a new low, as promised in my last post. Our paperwork again, was not signed and we sit here two weeks later, and no paperwork still signed, which leads us to have to make one of the most difficult decisions that we may ever have to make. That is not what this post is about though, even though, that is what is on my mind in my sleep, my awake time, and pretty much all the time that I am not teaching piano. Thank God for teaching. I LOVE it! Not only because it takes my mind off of my adoption hardness, but because kids are just so fun to teach. My students probably have no idea how much I love them, or they might think I'm kinda weird. Anyway . . . That is what my train of thought is like lately. All over the place.

So, back to last Monday's new low. It was no longer time to hold it together. It was time to explode. All the togetherness, I had mustered up in the previous months, broke loose. Not in a somber quiet way, but in a raging crying way. I'm embarrassed even thinking about it. I will say, that what ignited the downfall of my demeanor was receiving a SECOND notice of speeding by one of those picture taking police vehicles. I can assure you that I am a slow driver. In fact, I think that all that these tickets prove is that I am a slow driver. One was for going one mile over the speed limit (there is a touch more to this story, but for the sake of the story, just roll with it) and the other was for going 5 miles over the speed limit, in a 25 zone down Colorado Avenue. Seriously! So, that is what put me over the edge. I felt like governments all over the world were just trying to stick it to me and I am a decently good person . . . . . . . . to everyone, but my husband, that night.

Someone, was going to feel my pain and my anger, and it wasn't any of you. That night, I couldn't understand how he couldn't be crying and weeping like me. How heartless can he be? He should feel what I am feeling, WHEN I am feeling it? Right? He was saying heartless things, like, "Just try to put it out of your mind." "You need to detach, Holly." "It'll all work out." And the list of quick fixes continued. In my mind, he may as well have been saying, "I hate you, Holly." I didn't want him to fix anything, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and I made sure that happened. I'm not patting myself on the back. In fact, it kinda reminded me of "You've got Mail" when Tom Hanks talks about how he throws out zingers and then wishes he could take them back. That is what happened. I hit Dave where it hurt. And when I saw it, part of me felt good, but most of me didn't. He lashed back for a couple minutes, but then stopped, put his hand on my arm and began to pray. What??? How did he do that? Just minutes before I was shooting red arrows of fire out of my blue eyes at him and saying hurtful things and not even on accident!

Sometimes I wish I was one of those adoptive parents who have on their profile things like, "I married my best friend and each day I have with him is like a day in someplace way better than paradise, etc. . . . . . . " I'm not quite there with Dave, but there are moments like these, where I am in awe of him.

Well, I know this post isn't related to our adoption, but it is certainly related to our adoption life. It is hard to go through something this crazy, when the other person that is going through it, doesn't always react the same way. Hopefully, I can have as much grace as Dave did last Monday, when he is dealing with things in his own way. And, hopefully, we can arrive on the same page with our big decision that we need to make. And, yes, that is another giant prayer requests for those of you not too tired to keep praying for us and "the Goose."

Big Week

My post last Thursday was pretty pathetic sounding, I know. I wish I could say that I wasn't as pathetic as I sounded, but that would have been a lie. Anyway, thanks for letting me unload that day. I was able to move on from there and actually have quite an enjoyable weekend of doing pretty much nothing productive. My goal was to get my laundry all put away, but when it is in the mid 70's and there is a snowstorm coming in a couple of days, I figure the laundry can wait, right? We just had to be outside this weekend. I'll post a couple of pictures.

Part of the reason this weekend was not too shabby is because of the hope that I have for the next couple of days. I hope this hope isn't misplaced! On Friday, we were told that the regional MOWA that has had our paperwork on hold for almost 5 months now, has been told by the regional government (at least that is what I have understood, so don't quote me on that), to sign off on all completed paperwork. That is us!!! Our paperwork is there . . . it is compleetoe . . . now somebody, please, just take a pen and sign it. Two members of the ET staff should be there now, ensuring that this step will be done, so we can move on to the next (and welcome) step of waiting.

I can't help thinking that this will be it. This will be the week that we have been waiting for, for so long. I have admittedly said that if it doesn't happen on Monday or Tuesday of this week, it will be a new low and after last week, I'm not sure how low that low will be. We have heard many a time, that our paperwork is going to be signed, but this just has to be the actual time. I can see some of you cringing as I may be setting myself up for utter disappointment and trust YOU ME, I'm scared to even find out the fate of the next two days.

Well, it is late, so I won't drivel any more. I have enjoyed the weekend, knowing that I won't find out anything, but tomorrow the clock starts on finding out if we will indeed graduate to the next level. Feel free to throw out a prayer or two or twenty for the next two big days even if it is just right now and for 5 seconds. I'd really love it

A trip to the Penny Arcade
Leah Getting in the Spirit of Halloween
Spence and Leah at Happy Apple where we picked out the pumpkin we carved this weekend.

Spencer lounging on the hike we took on Saturday.

Blessed in a Non Happy Way

I have been hanging on to a rope with this adoption lately. I haven't been swinging on it, and I haven't been climbing it, I've just been hanging on it. I just let go, though. I'm swimming in the mud. It has been a very tough week, to say the very least. Back in August, we were told that our adoption may not ever be completed, due to the southern region of ET closing themselves off to adoption. At that time, we were told that we could move forward with another referral if we wanted. We were also told that we could move forward with another referral and have the option to continue the adoption with N if he ever became available. The 3 families in this position all opted to stay the course with our referrals until we were certain that things looked ultimately hopeless to continue. Then in September, we were told that things were moving forward again in the South and they were going to start signing paperwork. They said they would finish signing paperwork by the end of September. And here we sit, with no paperwork signed, STILL.

What makes this week so difficult is two things. First, the option to move forward with another referral is now off the table, as of yesterday. The thought that maybe God wanted us to have a couple of kids from ET and that this is the route he was going to choose is what has made this extra wait palatable. I will say, there is some relief in that option being taken away from us. I don't have to be thinking of what car to upsize to, or paying for preschool (or college for that matter) for 3 more kids or how large the laundry pile and grocery bill would grow to be. But it still feels like a loss.

The second reason for this week being so emotionally difficult is very selfish and I know this. It feels like there were a lot of people hanging on the rope with me for the last couple of months, but now all, but the other 2 in my same position, have just scampered up the rope and are now swinging in the trees. Court dates have been handed out, families have passed court, and families that got their referrals at the same exact time as us have brought home their babies already. And the clincher, new referrals are ready to hand out and we are going to have to watch them fly past us while our child is still hungry in an orphanage millions of miles away. I am happy for them and that is the honest truth, but with all the swinging in the trees, it has shaken me off my rope.

If I were to end my post here, I would name it, "In the Mud," but I'm not done yet. As I mentioned in my last post, it has been difficult for me to even pray or to look for comfort and encouragement from God on my own. But from time to time, I'll hear something that allows me to catch a breath of fresh air or two, even if I'm in the mud. Two Sunday's ago, our sermon was on the beatitudes. Because God's word is living and active, it can hit you right where you are in a way you have never experienced.

Matthew 5:3 says, "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Our pastor described the translation of this "blessed" as "heading in the right direction." It means something much different than the typical "happy" that we usually associate with being blessed. The gist was that we know when we are on the right path that God has for us when we are poor in spirit and I can tell you, that is where I am. I am out of spirit, in fact. We think that God wants us when we look and feel our best, but it is totally opposite of that.

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Usually, I think of mourning as in someone dying, but in this case, it is talking about mourning for the brokenness of the world. I feel like I have been awakened to a bigger picture of brokenness, through this process. The political systems, the corruption, the very picture of my baby being left somewhere, because his mother and father couldn't take care of him is just pure brokenness. I wish there wasn't a need for adoption and I wish that adoption was so much easier than this, but it is because this world is full of brokenness. The next part of the verse, says that I will be comforted. So I trust that I will make it through this day and through this week and the next.

Well, I'm not sure that my kids actually want to watch another cartoon, so I guess I better get going. I've got my adoption portion of my day over with early. Now it is time to push it back, and have a normal day. I hope it will be a good one for all of you who read this today.

P.S. - If you have ever tried to comment and it didn't work, I think I fixed that setting. I know that reading anonymously is sometimes nice, but if you ever want to comment, you should be able to now.

Dave has Returned from Ethiopia

Where to begin. I feel like I'm sitting in front of my budget that I threw out long ago and am attacking it again. Surely, many of you have been there before, right? I'm overwhelmed by all the things I have to say and I have kind of dreaded writing, because I don't even know where to begin. Some of if is because I don't know how much to share. What will come back to haunt me? What will my agency not be pleased with if I write it here? How many readers will think that all I do in life is think, dream, cry and live adoption, thus live a depressing life? So, know that while the adoption world is VERY depressing, our lives are still full, by the grace of God. I mean, Spence, at this very moment is in his room, singing at the top of his lungs, "I'm gonna jump, jump, jump, jump, jump for joy." Even the first part of that sentence brings me joy . . . "he's in his room," while I'm out here with some free minutes.

So, my last post was about Dave traveling to meet N and what a trip it was! It accomplished everything that we wanted (at least all the things within reason) and he had a great time doing it:

1. We feel like we got a clearer picture of why we still don't have our paperwork signed after 4 months of waiting (it should take a week) and he was able to talk to the orphanage director who was going to TRY and talk to MOWA and convince them to move our cases to the top of the list.

2. It was confirmed that paperwork in his region IS moving again - Praise God!

3. He brought much needed formula, vitamins, medicine, and food for N's orphanage. It is here that I would like to literally pour out my gratitude for those of you who donated formula, vitamins and anyone who has donated money along the way. I can't thank you enough. Truly, truly truly. Even if I don't ever get you a personal thank you note, I am beyond appreciative and grateful!!!!! He brought literally hundreds of dollars worth of formula and he bought hundreds more dollars of food while he were there and it still doesn't feel like it was enough. If you saw how little our 6 month old baby is, you would know why.

4. Dave got to see where our little boy is living. N is seriously loved there. All the kids are!

5. Lastly and most importantly, Dave got to meet N. He is so amazing!!!!! You would just die if you saw his huge smile. It literally takes up his whole face. I wish I could post it here. He is so so so tiny and he doesn't want to put any weight on his legs. However, by the third day there, he was already starting to put a little weight on them, thanks to Dave's PT work. This part is the very VERY hard part, obviously. N needs to be in therapy already, he needs to be seeing a Dr. to figure out why he is not gaining any weight, he is hungry, he has a yucky cough and the list goes on.

To feel like you can't speed up the process and to know that the process from here on out is just getting more difficult and lengthened, is enough to literally take away my breath if I think about it for more than about 10 seconds. I'm shocked at how adept I have become at stuffing my emotions. When I was only a month into this drama, people were probably petrified to even look my direction for fear of needing a case of kleenex on hand. Now I just feel like I need to let it out once in a while, and then from there I can pack up the kleenex and move on. I'm not saying that is a good thing, I'm just sayin' . . . . .

You would think that this would be a time of great spiritual growth in my life. I think it is a time of growth, but not because of anything I am doing. I am not tearing through the Bible understanding new facets of God each day. I am not going to bed listening to the words of wise spiritual leaders that shed eternal light on my situation. In fact, a gymnastics teen drama, named "Make it or Break It," has been successfully distracting me at bedtime, so that I can push aside adoption and actually fall asleep. That is just how spiritual I have been lately. I pray many times a day, but usually I have to add at the end of the prayer, "Lord please pretend that my heart is in this prayer." It goes back to wanting to not feel pain, so I just don't. If I enter into prayer too deeply, it just hurts a little too much. What I AM doing is holding on to my faith. Holding on to knowing that God set us on this path and he will see it through to the end. And I do believe that I WILL be able to say, when all is said and done, "Look at what God has done." But I'm too much in the middle of it right now. I can't say that . . . YET.

So, those of you who are pray-ers and good thought senders . . . We still need some serious prayer and good thoughts for N and for this process. I am so blessed to have supporters around us and I know that it feels like this process is long, that maybe your prayers should be portioned out to others by this time, but we still really need them. If you see us around, please indulge us by letting us show you how beautiful he is. That smile of his and all of you is what will get us through the next grueling year!

Dave is Headed Over!

I know I said I was done talking until our adoption was more certain. It is not, but my thoughts continue to brew, even while our adoption sits dormant.

It seems silly now that I got pretty emotional at times about the list not moving fast enough, or even that we weren't submitted to court before they closed. That seems like child's play now, like when your child cries over an enforced bedtime, while the world is falling apart. They felt like big things at the time.

The strange thing is, while our adoption is in a complete state of limbo, I am actually handling it OK (this week). This is what I can't figure out. If I am going to go with the spiritual answer, I would say that I came to the end of my rope and I have nothing left, so I have no other choice than to let God carry me. The whole idea from 2 Cor. 12:9. "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Maybe I have no choice, but to trust God and maybe I am learning to do that. That would be great if that were the case.

OR

Maybe I am learning to become numb to it, in order to enjoy my kids, load the dishwasher, teach piano, play volleyball and enjoy time with friends and family. I am staying very busy on purpose. I have very few weekends that I don't have a string of social engagements and I like it that way. Down time at home is only an invitation to sink into the adoption mire.

Of course, it is also helping that Dave is flying over to see "N" in less than 2 weeks! After getting a little picture of "N" today, I'm sure that it will be better that Dave goes, instead of me. Sometimes I wonder if I love "N," because it doesn't even feel like he exists at times. But when I got that picture this morning, I was so happy (and very very sad). I'm sure you understand.

Part of why Dave is going is probably just to feel like we have some control over something. Another reason, is to just check on the little guy. We don't get medical updates, or growth charts, or paragraphs on how his personality is emerging. We get a picture about every 2 months, at weird angles and while he is sleeping. We actually don't even know if this child will be ours, but at the very least, Dave will at least have met him.

One last reason he is going is to bring FOOD and a couple other items. That basic need of life that we so often forget that others don't have. The needs of his orphanage are great, but we are mainly limiting our packing to formula, baby cereal/food, a couple bumpo chairs and some Children's Tylenol and vitamins. Dave may take a change of clothes, too:) Orphanages get their resources from adoptive parents. Since no kids have been leaving his orphanage, no new kids are coming in. Obviously, this presents a huge problem. With no new kids coming in and getting referred, there is no new money coming in, either. So again, even if "N" doesn't end up being our child, Dave will have at least brought some food to an orphanage that is struggling to provide.

Anywho . . . that is the skinny on our adoption to this day. I thought it would look very different by this time. Some of you are probably starting to wonder if we are just making up this whole story about "N." I promise he is real and hopefully, someday, you will all get to meet him.