Our Beautiful Little Stinker

Isn't this girl a true beauty?  It's a good thing, because as cute as she is, she can be a little stinker!

I can't believe it has been so long since I have written.  There are just not many themes to my thoughts lately, so anything I write is more likely to be a ramble or a simple account of life, rather than anything anyone would want to read, so I'll likely keep it short and choppy.

Maci is doing well by most accounts.  Two weeks ago, I was on the cusp of writing a blog titled, "She is Mine and I am Hers." It was going to be beautiful and you would have definitely needed a tissue or two.  It was going to highlight how close I felt to her and how I was surprised at how deeply I loved this child in a short amount of time.  I was arranging the sentences in my head, on my runs, as I cooked (just kidding-I don't cook)  etc. . . Then the past two weeks happened and she has tried my patience to the moon and back.  Since Maci and I have taken a little step back in our relationship, I couldn't in clean conscience write my originally dreamed up post.  I am hoping our little detour off the attachment path is just that - a little detour.  It has made me glad that I decided to keep her out of preschool this semester, to give us a little alone time, at least one morning a week.  I have needed it.  When she is not competing for attention with her siblings, she is so endearing, so funny, so amazing, so everything great.  I still think it is that familiar cycle of getting so close that she feels uncomfortable, so she begins to test and I can assure you, if she is testing me, I have not passed.  I thank God for his grace, because I have needed a lot of it lately.

The last time I wrote, it was about our Goosing idea.  We Goosed our first victims about a month ago and it was super fun.  The process of adoption is just plain brutal sometimes, so hopefully, we (Goosey included) were able to encourage this family a little bit.  We Goosed some people that were sitting with their referral, yet with some uncertainty looming.  That is just the pits!

Speaking of Goosey.  The proverbial carrot has been hung out yet again.  I won't go into all the details, but there could be some movement on the horizon.  Of course, we've all heard that before about eight hundred times, so we aren't FREAKING OUT yet.  OK, maybe I have done a little freaking out, but Dave has stayed relatively calm, to nobody's surprise.  For a couple of days, I let myself try on the cloth of thinking about this potentially huge decision we'll have to make and it wasn't pretty folks.  However, this past week, I have now been reassured by the Southern MOWA that they are still playing the "next week" game, so I have decided to pack up those clothes for when SMOWA actually puts their pen to the paper and writes their two little initials on his paperwork.

Alrighty - there we have it - short and choppy, like I promised.  I think having three kids takes all the flow out of my writing.  Maybe if we got back to an even number, like 4, then my thoughts would reorganize more liltingly . . . . or, more likely, I would lose all ability to even speak the English language on any comprehensible level.   On that note, goodnight all.

In Honor of "The Goose"

One might think that the reason I have not written lately is because I have three small ones at home 24/7, 7 days a week, but I really think it has more to do with the fact the the Olympics have been in full swing for the past couple of week.  By the next summer Olympics, we will have a DVR!  Stuff like that probably doesn't belong on an adoption blog, but there was great disappointment when Gabby Douglas was bouncing along on her first tumbling pass and the VCR ran out of tape!

Anywho . . . . there are much more pressing matters in life.  I wish that running out of tape on our vintage VCR was our biggest problem, but we still have this little guy, Negusu, sitting in a little orphanage in Ethiopia.  I have finally used his name and that is not a mistake.  Our hope of getting him is all but extinguished.  The whole situation is heartbreaking, but right now, it just feels  . . .  well . . . weird.  Not a very descriptive word for such a serious topic, but there is no word for it.  

Our favorite picture of "Goosey" (tear, tear)

Like I said in a previous post, another family has taken on the challenge of getting care for Negusu and all his little orphanage buddies at Ajuuja.  It is through an amazing organization called Project Hope.  People are able to sponsor kids at Ajuuja for $30/month, or they can give one time donations to help with special items.  For instance, today they are requesting 6 more cribs for 6 more babies at this already full orphanage.   

It seems like we should be so excited to help and we are, but there is just some weirdness to it all.  First of all, we can't sponsor Negusu, because if the completely unexpected should happen and those in charge of his fate should actually sign his paperwork and we should feel like we are in a place to bring him home, then sponsorship could affect that process.  We could sponsor another child at the orphanage, but it feels odd to sponsor the baby next to Negusu for some reason.  Not much has settled peacefully in my mind about this whole situation and it probably won't until we have a FINAL answer on The Goose. What we do feel settled about, is trying to help find sponsors for the remainder of the kids that don't have FIGS (Families in the Gap) and remaining open to getting more involved once we get that period on the sentence that we feel pretty sure is coming.  If you are interested in donating to Negusu's orphanage or sponsoring one of his buddies, here is the link with more information:

http://forsuchasthese.blogspot.com/2012/08/project-hopeful-awassa-update.html

We also are excited about doing our own little tiny thing to HONOR NEGUSU!  We are going to start Goosing people, which will be our way or encouraging people we come across who have have had long, discouraging adoption stories.  We are so excited about this.  It seems like every time we were past the point of despair with Negusu, somebody would anonymously send us a check, an unexpected note, or something that was just perfect for the moment.  So, Dave and I have already started patrolling blogs to search for families that need a little encouragement in their adoption journey.  We can't wait to Goose our first Goose-ee.  I want to take this moment to thank any and all of you who have encouraged us from start to finish, with notes, financial assistance, meals when we got home, gift certificates, prayer and comments on our blog and facebook statuses.  All of those things have led us to this new endeavor to encourage others who have had a rocky path to their little one.  

BTW - If any of you excel at cartoon drawings, we'd love to get a little logo for our "You've Been Goosed" campaign.  

The Healing Waters of Valley Swim Club

Two weeks after bringing Maci home, I called the local swim club, of which we had been on the waiting list since last year, and anxiously asked if we were going to make the cut this year.  The reply was not what I was hoping for.  We were 127th on the list and they told me there was not much of a chance that we would be doing much dipping in their pool this summer.  I hung up the phone a little teary, because I knew what that meant . . .  the pool money was going to now be used for some serious therapy. . . .for me!   Somehow, three weeks later, we got the call that our name was up.  Hallelujah!!!!!  I'm pretty sure that nobody else there, has the same deep appreciation that I do for this rented membership and it shows - we are there almost every day.  It's almost embarrassing how much we are there.  

Personally, I would add a chapter to the popular adoption attachment books, called "The Importance of Pool Memberships," because I have no doubt that it has helped Maci bond to all of us and visa versa.  It is a place where she has to trust us when she is in the big pool.  It is a place where she has a lot of needs that have to be met by me, like putting on sunscreen, getting floaties on, and peeling off and on wet bathing suits three hundred times a day to go potty.  (Sometimes, I wish she would just go in the pool, but I'm pretty sure the nearby swimmers wouldn't appreciate that). And it is a place where when she gets out of the water, she wants to be wrapped in a fluffy towel and snuggled.  All of these things have been so good for her bonding to us.  But I think what has helped the most with me bonding to her is just watching joy ooze out of her when she is playing at the pool.  Not every day has gone swimmingly (no pun intended) and more than once I have had to pick my crying kids up like footballs and escort them to the car, but for the most part, the pool is a happy, smiley place.

Maci was going off the diving board for the first time last night, and seriously . . . every - single - time - everyone in the deep end just laughed.  Her eyes would grow huge, her cheeks would be puffed, not to mention her hair would look a little like Michael Jacksons on the album cover BAD, with a few little curls hanging down in front, and her excitement was visible.  She made movements like she was going to sky off of the diving board and into the water, but she would really only go up about a quarter of an inch and then drop onto her "keeto" (the only Amharic word she still uses) into the water.  Then she would wiggle underwater for as long as possible as if she was swimming and then finally come up for air with the biggest grin on her face.  Who wouldn't fall deeply in love with a child so full of joy for the simple things in life, like jumping off the diving board?  I know we are!

Goosey - Part II

What is the worst ending to a movie that you can think of?  It doesn't take me long to think of mine, and thus begins the story.

After wrapping up a semester of teaching 7th grade Geography, another teacher suggested we go and watch the much anticipated release of "Lord of the Rings."  I had never read the books or been interested in the story line, but I was very interested in sitting in a movie theater and eating Hot Tamales.  Since I had no knowledge of the books or even the fact that it was a trilogy, I was quite disgruntled at the ending.  I think I have a touch of ADD, so as the movie went on and on and on, I became anxious for it to wrap up.   However, if you remember correctly, it wrapped up with Gandolph falling into oblivion.   What in the world?  I just sat through a 4 and half hour long movie and it was going to just end with the good wizard dying and everything else unresolved?  What a disappointment.  My friend, Carol, was quick to assuage my irritation of it all and promise that Gandolph would reappear and the story would continue  to develop into deep, meaningful twists and turns.  

Well, I feel like I kinda need a Carol to tell me that right now with our "Goose" situation.  I have a hard time holding out any more hope that the southern region will ever let these kids through.  I feel like the end of this story is so anti-climactic.  In my little dream world, I thought we'd end up bringing home two Ethiopian kids and after a hard year we would look at our little family and say, "I can't imagine life without each and every child in this family."  I just didn't expect that the end of our Goose story would be life Gandolph . . .  just kinda falling into oblivion.  No decisions really made, no progress, no "no's," . . .  just sorta . . . .  nothing.  

It just wouldn't do, for the the story to end like this, with just. . . . .nothing.  So, I am writing to share a little bit about a possible part two of the story. There is a (saintly) couple that received a referral for their baby boy, literally days, before us.  He was from the same region and even the same orphanage as Goosey, but this little cutie made it out, before the iron doors of the south closed.  Even though their little guy made it out, all the Ajuuja babies have remained heavy on the hearts of this couple.  They are spearheading an effort to start a sort of sponsorship program for the Ajuuja orphans.  This has been a little tricky up to this point, because if we sponsored Goosey, then somehow we wouldn't be able to adopt him.  We didn't want to mess up any chance that he had to get adopted by us or by someone else, so we never really pushed the issue.  Now that we are pretty certain that we won't be bringing Goosey home, we feel pretty confident that this is the path we should take.  At this point, we don't totally know the details of how it is all going to work, but this other couple is on it like white on rice.  It still feels a bit like a consolation prize, but my excitement for the next movie in the trilogy is growing.  Maybe Goosey will get to go to school?  Maybe he'll get some nutritious food?  Maybe he'll learn about Jesus?  Maybe we'll get to see him every couple of years?  Maybe he'll feel just a little bit like he has a mom and dad and some siblings?   Maybe all the kids in the orphanage will get to enjoy the same benefits?  

Like I said, I don't know how this is all going to play out, but it is in the works.  The brainstorming sessions are in full gear, the scripts are being written, the directors are thinking through the scenes, and film crews are getting antsy to yell the word, "ACTION!"  Perhaps some of you may be the actors in "Goosey - Part II."

One Book, Two Storylines

As usual, there are two story lines in our adoption book.  One has always had forward motion and there is always something new. The other has an element of suspense, but the story line pretty much reads, "same as yesterday-no new news."  But one day, something will happen.  

Maci's story is so amazing.  Maybe your surprised to hear that after reading about our first 6 weeks home with her.  Those were some "special" times and I'll just leave it at that.  It's weird to talk about those first six weeks as if they were so long ago, but they feel a lifetime ago.  I guess that leaves us with only three weeks of life on the upswing, but it's a great ride.  Maci continually impresses me with each little bit of herself that she is slowly revealing.  There is so so so so much to love about her.  How fortunate we are to see this child soak in the newness of every experience with such eagerness.  I am totally that parent that thinks that my child is gifted and talented, even though she can't even go to the bathroom by herself.  But I tell ya - you would be shocked at how well she speaks English.  If you need your socks knocked off, then come bend your ear and listen to her cute little accent, saying little phrases like, "I'll be back back," meaning, "I'll be right back."  It's so fun.  Still hard-but so worth it. 

Our two stories have stayed pretty separate, for which I am grateful.  I guess I am talking emotionally.  There was awhile when we first got Meraf's referral that I wasn't sure I would ever feel the same intensity of love for her as I did for Goosey.  Then when we brought her home (don't gasp too hard at this) there was some time that I was so sad that we didn't bring home a baby and instead we got a very difficult toddler.  I thought I might resent her, especially since it seemed like bringing home N would now be an impossibility, with our lives so upside down.  That's all out the window now.  We actually do feel like God knew the perfect fit for our family and we are still falling in love with Maci.  Like I said, I feel so grateful that Maci will not affect our decision to take Goosey or not, at this point.  However, there are a lot of other factors.

The last post that I wrote was that we were going to live our lives, as is and not hold back on account of Goose.  THE VERY NEXT DAY, we got word that there was a huge two day meeting, mostly focused on the agencies, social workers, orphanages and other ET officials, trying to persuade the southern MOWA to let these kids through.  Needless to say the viral chatter about the southern region opening again is at a high level.  But we continue to hear the same old thing, "tomorrow, it will get signed."   We are still very much up in the air about what we will do if they actually do sign his paperwork. In order to stay focused on our present Maci storyline, I have to write down all the conflicting thoughts about Goosey, so that I can leave them on paper, instead of having them occupy valuable space in my finite brain.  

So, here it goes- not in order of importance.  It was just what I wrote down one day in my journal.

-He's our child

-I love N

-Why did we go through all of this, just to give him up?

-I am feeling great about our family with Maci, Spence, and Leah

-I don't think I can handle a special needs baby

-I don't want to give up teaching piano

-It would be great to have 2 boys, 2 girls.

-It would be great for Maci to have another brown babe in the family.

-We'd have to buy a new car.

-We'd have to come up with another $20,000

-God wants us to care for orphans.

-God will provide money, strength, and energy.

-The kids all want N to come home and literally pray for it daily.

-What if N is special needs forever?

-What if bringing him home would dramatically change our life?

-What if Dave loses his job in the hospital turnover?

-God may have another family for N.

-Could I ever live with myself if we gave him up?

-Would we bring him home and think that we couldn't imagine life without him?  

-Would it be a better act of love to take him or to allow another family to take him?

-What does God want us to do?

-Are we free to make a decision and God will still pour out grace either way or does He have an answer for us?

-N's smile-could I live without that?

-What could we do to honor N if we don't get him or we don't take him?

-Will the Holy Spirit speak to us?

-Why would God change his mind about us getting N?

-Would I lose out on really knowing the three kids that are here, if we brought N home.

Now, I'm not saying I'm proud of all these thoughts, but there they are.  They are pretty "me" focused, aren't they?  Right now, we are not expending great energy on our final answer, because what would be the point?  We don't know if we'll ever be making that decision.  Our overall prayer, is if they ever sign his paperwork, that God will strip away all the white noise and be very clear with us, and that he'll give us peace about our decision.  For now, we'll keep lovin' on the three we have.  

The Bitter in Bittersweet

Now for the bitter . . .  "The Goose."  We are just a few days shy of our one year anniversary of our referral for little baby N.  He turned one a month ago and has now spent all but 10 days of his little life, laying in one room, in one crib and in the arms of multiple caregivers.  He has nobody to call "mommy."  He has nobody to call him "son."  He has nobody of his very own.  The stories from the region where he lives are, as someone else with a child stuck there put it this week, "incomprehensible."  What the people in charge of these precious little lives are doing is so unjust and so incomprehensible that even if I tried to share some of the personal stories, it would just sound trite.  There is no other word for all of the families and children in our situation, other than heart breaking and even those words don't hold a candle to the real emotions behind it all.  

Every day I wonder what we would do if N cleared???  If that did happen, I would be calling young and old, short and tall, those of all faiths and asking for prayer.  I would need an angel to come down from the heavens (with a large check in hand, no less) and tell us that we should and are capable of bringing N home.  I kinda feel like Maci is doing so amazingly well, yet I still feel like bomb has gone off in our house and many days, it still feels like survival is the name of the game.  I'm just not sure we, as a family, could make it through another toss up, without some time to gather our feet underneath us.

I have found it easy to tell people that I'm just not sure we could move forward with Goosey at this point, but if I even give myself over 60 seconds to think about it, or if I try to take any pictures down, the tears pour out.  Big-Huge-Ethiopian tears (those kids have some serious tear ducts, btw).  We have decided to do a couple things, though.  We decided to keep our homestudy updated, but at the same time, we have decided to live our lives as if our family is complete.  We've spent the last two years, scrimping, saving, holding back, not taking trips, saving vacation time, and basically putting our lives on hold. . . . in preparation for a child and now it is time to start letting the line out a little and enjoy moving forward from here.

One of the many difficult parts of the whole Goose business, is wondering where God is, in his story.  I mean, if our story just started with Maci, then we would be sitting in our house, saying things like, "The wait was hard, but God is good," and "she is so amazing and God knew that she belongs in our family."  It would be easy to give God the glory and other Christian phrases like that.  BUT - that is not where our story began.  It began with Goosey and he hasn't moved an inch since we first saw his picture and there isn't much promise that he will move anywhere in the future.  It is hard to say, "God is good," under these circumstances.  It is hard to believe anything about God under these circumstances.  Even if I feel like our family is complete, what about Goose?  He has no family.  What will happen to him?  The last family that went over a couple months ago, still said that he doesn't use his legs.  If he had come home when he should have, he would most likely be a thriving little one year old right now, but his chances at a "normal" life seem to be diminishing.  So, is God good?  What it came down to for me, was, "did he die and come back to life or not?"  It's the crux of the Christian faith.  If I believe that is true, then I believe the rest is true.  If I don't believe that He rose again, then I don't believe the rest.  It's all or nothing and I just can't help it . . . I believe that Jesus died and rose again and that He is who He says He is.

I have stopped trying to figure out why our story went as it has or why there ever had to be a "Goose" if we were supposed to get Maci this whole time?  I doubt that any of it will ever make sense to me, this side of heaven, but what I know is that we will continue to treasure the responsibility to pray for Goosey and we will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS love the little guy.

The Sweet in Bittersweet

It is a bittersweet Mother's Day.  Mostly sweet, so let's start there.  We went to Pagosa Springs to see Dave's mom and extended family for Mother's Day.  It was our first attempt at a family trip and I am officially announcing it as a victory.  It was filled with fishing, paddle boating, the Malt Shoppe, family meals, and a birthday party and not one of those events was cut short by a poorly timed temper tantrum.  Maci just seemed to know that family was surrounding her.  Therefore, it didn't take the typical hour to warm up to all the new people she met.  Of course, at our family dinner, it also helped to have a 9 week old puppy (not ours, of course) to break in the squeals of laughter.

I wasn't sure how this weekend was going to go, but I was certainly ready to get out of this house for better or for worse.  "They" say that when you adopt, your family should cocoon and stay close to home as much as possible for the first few months.  My intent was to do that.  As it turns out, if I actually did that, I think I would find myself cocooning alone at someplace with a name like "Whispering Pines Home for the Not So Stable."  As much as I love our house and neighborhood, I shudder at the thought of staying home with my 3 young kids for days at a time.  It is within these very walls, after all, that most meltdowns occur.  For that, I am thankful.  It is better for them to melt down here, then in the grocery line or on the front steps of the Department of Human Services, but I needed to catch my breath somewhere else this weekend, after what was a pretty ugly week.

There is one area where my kids are very fair and where they are really good at sharing.  They are very thoughtful about sharing tantrum time.  Isn't that sweet?  Maci likes to scream loud and often, but she keeps it short, which we appreciate.  Leah spaces hers out a little more, but she has the extenda-cry down pat and Spencer is a real saver.  He goes a couple of weeks, but then he lays a big one down, which he did this week. I still feel like I am recovering from that one.  That being said and bring it back around to the sweet part of Mother's Day.  All three kids did just play together for 45 minutes without one cause for parental intervention.  That was a present of great proportion and the sweetest gift of all.  (Although Dave's present was pretty awesome.  If you stop by, you'll have to ask to see the cookbook the was made personally for me).  Well, now that I just wrote about the sweetness of the day, I don't really want to talk about the bitter just yet, so I think I'll save the bitter (Goosey) for tomorrow.

For now, thank you MOM for believing in this journey.  Thank you for accepting Maci as your grandchild. Thank you for walking with me in all of the craziness of adoption and for reminding me of how great God's love is for not only our kids, but for me as well.