Give Me an E . . .

Give me a M, give me a B, give me an A, give me 2 S's and a Y. What does that spell? EMBASSY! We were submitted to embassy today, which feels like a big deal to me. So, now that embassy has it in their hot little hands, they can decide to take our case in a couple different directions. We should know in a couple weeks what path our case will take. The most desirable option would be for them to say, "come on over and bring your little one home." The next, and most likely option would be that embassy would choose to interview Meraf's birth mom, which would likely add an extra 3 to 5 weeks. The third and least desirable option would be that our case would have some sort of unknown extenuating circumstances that would stall out the process for awhile. Obviously, we are rooting for the first option. This all really might happen, people!

In the meantime, I am trying to prepare our kids for Meraf's arrival. Spencer seems down with it all, but Leah keeps saying, "I want Magusu." However, the other day she did say that she would pass her old shoes to Meraf (she's so thoughtful, huh?) and she also said that she wanted Meraf to have a "pink on pink" bedspread. I feel like that is progress, right?

Speaking of bedspreads, my sister-in-law really outdid herself on this one. In the mail today, arrived the most incredible quilts for Leah's and Meraf's beds, in addition to a little mini quilty blanket to take with me to pick her up. I seriously felt like someone on the Ellen show that just won a new car. I love them THAT much. They have the same fabrics, but they are both a little different. And then the topper, is that she told me the she and another lady prayed over the quilts and for the girls as they made them. Don't think I didn't have a little tear in my eye when she told me that. It is all starting to feel so real now and I'm ready!

Chapter Meerof

Before I get started on the next chapter, I have a few thoughts to share. Sometimes, like yesterday, when I press "publish post" I start wondering if I revealed or said too much. I have this urge to go back and delete the ugly parts. Had I done that yesterday, I would not have been blessed by a few messages that, at least for 24 hours now, have talked me off the ledge and have once again stirred up a new hope for Goosey to come home. So, thank you to John, Emily and Kathy who have the life experiences to give perspective in situations such as mine. And thank you to the rest of you who allow me to write and never judge. This blog has been a lifeline for me throughout this journey.

Chapter Meerof:

Meerof is a beautiful (we would guess) 2 and a 1/2 year old, with story telling eyes, a bright smile and if I had to guess, a lot of personality. Upon our first meeting, none of this was very apparent, but that didn't come as a surprise to us. We were at the care center for about 45 minutes while she was finishing up her nap. Then, when our guard was finally down, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a four year old girl, walking Meerof towards us. There was no formal introduction, we had no idea if she was told anything about us, or if she had any concept of what was going on here. Actually, I know she knew something was up, because she was in protective mode for sure. She was only dropped off by her mom at an orphanage about 3 months ago, so she is in the middle of the throws of this life tragedy and the hurt was speaking loudly in this moment. Her gaze was averted, her shoulders and her hands were up by her ears and her jaw was fixed in a tight underbite. She held very defensive pose and nothing was going to break her of that the first day. Knowing what she was going through, we didn't want to push her to crack a smile or be any other way than how she was feeling. I can't wait to attach the picture of me and Meerof on the first day. I'm like totally glowing and she looks so stern. Overall, it went pretty much how I expected it would.

The few days, held new expressions and a peek into who she really might be. About a half an hour in on day two, we got our first smile. It was none other than a Koosh ball that brought about her dreamy smile and even a little giggle. Precious!!!!!!!! Then, a little while later, she stood on my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me two little hugs. I tried to be cool, but I was shocked that she initiated this timid and calculated move. She was very protective of me and Dave and would ward off any others who were trying to gain our attention. Each day she had a toy of choice. Usually it was a ball, but a couple days it was a little tin drum. Save the child who would try to take those away from her! One of the highlights of our entire trip was on the fourth day at the care center. All the kids were eating lunch. She was one of the first to emerge and she made a running beeline straight for us. Every time we were there, she preferred to play with us rather than the other kids, which made for some good old fun play time. It was a tough balancing act those few days we got to see her. We almost didn't want to form some incredible bond even if that were possible, because we knew we would be walking away and we know she doesn't understand, "we'll be back in 6 weeks." All she knows right now, is that we stepped into her life and now we are gone. I hate that! Hopefully, these next few weeks will fly by and hopefully, she has some innate notion that we will be back to get her!

Chapter Goose

Jet lag seems to have the best of me in this early hour, so I thought I would attempt to bring my blog somewhat up to speed. What to say, is the big question? I guess I'll start from the beginning. I'll gloss over the actual getting to ET, with words like delays, sprinting, missed flights, more sprinting, missing luggage. I think you get the picture. Ok - that was easy. Onto the next chapter.

Chapter Goosey: The morning after we arrived we headed down to Awassa, which is about a 4 1/2 hour harrowing drive. The near misses would total about 42 going and about a 102 returning to Addis. We had an amazing driver and guide, but HOLY COW, my blood pressure is still trying to reach normal levels from that drive. Anyhooooo . . . . . . . I think I'm stalling, due to not knowing where to start with Goosey, but here I go.

We went to see the Goose that first day and I can without hesitation tell you that he is an easy baby to fall in love with. He has a smile that can melt steel. He is so interactive and loves to say "da da da da da," and when he gets excited he bobs his head up and down and up and down. However, even in the midst of the joy there was a monster growing wildly within. A big giant dose of FEAR! While Goosey has put on some much needed weight, his legs seemed utterly useless. Part of the time I was there I wanted nothing more to do than run away with him, and the other part of me, just wanted to simply run. How is someone supposed to handle this? Do we turn our backs on this baby we love and say, I'm not sure I can handle you? Or do we trust that God didn't give us Goosey for all these months and move forward, even with the uncertainty? I can safely say that I will never be awarded a Mother Theresa Award. I'm scared to death of disease, difficult health situations, not to mention the common cold. I'm only compassionate from afar in those situations, but I'm not eager to enter a life that could be consumed with doctors appointments and the like. So, I'd go back to the hotel and just cry. Cry from fear, cry from guilt of these terrible thoughts of giving up on the Goose, cry from the months of hardship the whole process has brought, cry from wondering where God is in Goosey's situation. You name it, I was crying about it. This isn't how it was supposed to look. But the story continues.

The first couple of times we went to see Goose, we were accompanied by the orphanage director. If we would at all try to stretch his legs or do anything to make him work, he would cry and they would take him away from us. It was hard to figure anything out with her there. On the third visit, we had a little time alone with him. So, we immediately went to work. I held Goosey's trunk, while Dave braced his legs on the ground. Low and behold, I slowly let go, and Goosey, held onto Dave's hair for support, and stood on his legs. I'm 100% sure, that it was the first time, he had ever really tried to use his legs. He wouldn't straighten up, but he did use his legs! Then Dave did a few more PT maneuvers on the Goose in between the manager checking in with us. After just a couple hours of trying to challenge the Goose, he seemed to really respond. Has this diminished my fear of something being terribly wrong with him? Of course, not. If you know me, then you know how I am about stuff like this. Has it diminished Dave's fear of something terribly wrong with him. Of course. Dave is convinced that it is just the effects of orphanage living. Goose has never been challenged to use his legs. He goes from the crib to someone's arms, to the bumbo we brought him in September, back to the crib. I'm not sure he knew he had legs before last week. I can say, it is a real possibility that orphanage living is to blame for his lack of leg mobility and I can say that he could be running and jumping, etc. . . in months after he gets home, but I also think there could be other reasons . . . hence the fear.

All of this could be a mute point, though, because Mowa still has not signed his paperwork. It is completed, his case has been fully investigated, it has been signed off by the person who has held it up for months, and now it has been sitting on the desk of the last person who needs to sign it. She doesn't even need to comb through the paperwork - all she needs to do is put her initials on it. Two letters, is what would decide if Goosey grew up in that orphanage and if he would grow up here. Although, who knows how long that orphanage can stay open. While we were there, we heard that Mowa threatened to close it down, because it couldn't pay the government. How screwed up is that? The government won't allow the orphanages to make money by allowing adoptions, but wants to close them down when they can't pay the government. There is no doubt in my mind that corruption is running deep in this. We stopped by the Mowa office there to try and meet up with the elusive non-signer. In the parking lot was a shiny new "funded by Unicef," car. To be honest, we didn't actually see it, but a representative from our agency was there at the same time and asked if we saw it. He actually did get to visit with one of the Mowa representatives, who was about 24, no kids, not married, never had heard of adoption before taking this post and was very defensive. When he asked if there is anything he could do to help them, she basically said, you can stop adopting our kids out of ET and set up sponsorships instead. That is totally fine. I get that. What I don't get, is why they will let hundreds of babies suffer in the meantime, while they don't have a sponsorship program set up. Blah, blah, blah, - I could go on forever. The point being, we have no idea if they will ever sign his paperwork.

I guess I should wrap this up, since it is turning into more of a book than a post. What I can say about the Goose, is that he is nothing short of one of the most amazing babies I've ever met. I'm scared to death to bring him home and I'm scared to death to leave him there. God only knows what is best for him, for me, for Spence, for Leah, for Meerof for Dave, etc. . . . In the early morning hours in Awassa, with pleas to God and streams of tears, God did not answer me with a nudge to bail quite yet, although I wanted to. What He kept impressing on me was "whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me." So, we continue to wait it out for now with a lot of prayer and a little bit of fear and trembling.

T minus 1 day

T-minus one day until we lift off. It has felt like a lifetime that I have waited to meet N, but it feels like M's adoption is reaching a mach 3 pace. If my dreams are any indication of my anxiety level, then I would say my anxiety level is moderately high to very high. Recently, I've had a dream that I was all of the sudden driving through a tornado, but we found cover in an undercover, smoke fillled, Chinese restaurant. I had a dream that I was part of a synchronized swim team and I was the only one who didn't know the routine we were performing to Cotton Eyed Joe. Then last night I had one of those dreams where we were having to run through the airport, but when I would walk, I wouldn't go anywhere. If I had to name three things I am anxious about, I would say, leaving Spence and Leah, something going terribly wrong (like contracting Dengue Fever or getting in a car accident), and the whole situation with Negusu.

On Wednesday, we heard that M's birth mom did show up for her court date, and everything went as planned. While that is nothing to celebrate, it did mean that everything is still a go for M. Simultaneously, after 2 months of hearing NOT A PEEP about the southern region, where Goosey is, there was finally a whisper. Whispers that something may, in fact, be stirring. I had put my heart in a good place. I was prepared to see the Goose and was pretty convinced that these would likely be the only 3 days that we ever see the handsome little fellow, but now there is that ray of hope again and I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm sort of convincing myself that we have heard all of this before and that nothing will come of it, but I also have felt pretty sure that God was going to do something pretty incredible while we were there. I guess my hopes are deniably up, but I am trying to keep them in check for the sake of not falling apart while we are there AND because there will only be one a matter of hours between saying goodbye to Goose and Hello to M. I am kinda hoping that the whole trip will be so much to consume, so chaotic and so tiring that we won't even really have the chance to process anything until we get home. I literally can't imagine having four kids, but I REALLY literally can't imagine not bringing Negusu home.

I keep thinking that I should maybe start getting anxious about meeting M, too. If I know myself, like I think I do, I will be SO nervous when the time comes, but for now I am not. It has something to do with the fact that this is not the path we started on, to adopt a child slightly younger than Leah, but it is without a doubt who God is grafting into our family. So whether or not our first meeting (and life thereafter) goes well, we know that God is constructing this plan. That is why we will be adding an American name to her name that means, "God's Gift." Plus, there are a couple of indications that point to her belonging in our family. It has something to do with a report saying that she is "very active in her speech" and an exact facial expression that Leah has. Oh my lands! I can't wait to meet her!

Well, in true Holly fashion, I am not packed, the house is only partially clean, we have a full schedule today, complete with watching the Bronco game, and my list of to do's is longer than there are hours in the day, so I best be getting going. At least I can cross one thing off my list, now that I have written my last blog before take off.

Thank you all for the thousands of prayers you have prayed for Goosey, for the prayers that you have prayed for us, for the prayers for M and thank you all for the amazing support you have given us. We have filled our tubs completely with formula and baby food all with help from ya'll. We have been lifted so many times from unexpected donations of money and formula for Goosey's orphanage. We have also been encouraged by all of you who have read our blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us!

In a Week From Monday . . .

we will be boarding a plane for Ethiopia. Say what??? It feels impossible. We are so used to waiting and waiting and waiting some more, but with M's adoption everything has been right on schedule and now our court date is even WAY earlier than I expected. M's birth mom has her court date on January 4th. That date feels like FOREVER away. We know that she could change her mind any time between now and when she gives the final word. Yikes!

So, here is the plan. We get on a plane next Monday, we travel across the globe for 24 hours and get into ET on Tuesday night. Wednesday we head down to Awassa to visit the Goose. As it stands, our agency, as well as many other agencies, are withdrawing their support of the orphanages in the south, tomorrow. Therefore, we have no idea what to expect when we get there? Will their cupboards be bare? Will we find they have more than we imagined? Will the kids be happy? Will they be hurting? We have no clue? What we know, is that if we do in fact travel, we will have 3 days to HOLD, FEED, SNUGGLE, PLAY WITH, AND LOVE ON Goosey and the other kids at Ajuuja. I can't wait. We don't know if we will ever see him again, but we will, at least, have those 3 days. THEN . . .

We will head back to Addis and meet M! I'm sure I will be reeling from loving and leaving Goosey, but I am trying very hard to get ready to live this trip one hour at a time. Love the child in front me, whether it is Goosey, M, or any other child that God puts before me.

I got a message from a friend today that met M this morning. She said that she is adorable and that she is full of smiles and giggles (until the camera comes out, of course). I couldn't be more excited to get that kind of a message. I didn't even know she was at the care center yet, so the message was such a fun surprise. I'm sure that M is confused and grieving and trying to make heads or tails of her situation, so to hear she is giggling gives me a little sense of peace about her well being.

I know this is short, but I'm just excited, and have a million and a half things to do before the 9th. One of them, is to collect more formula. Many of you have given so much already, but some of you haven't. Just kidding:) But if you do have formula that you are not going to use, then we would love to take it off of your hands. Like I said, we don't know what they have, but Ajuuja will no longer be supported financially by the two agencies that were working with them. I just can't imagine that they will have much.

In closing, we are still praying for a miracle with N and the southern region. I have more confidence now that we will see a miracle, even though all signs point to nothing ever happening. Please pray with us for that miracle. If I can ask for a couple more things that ya'll could pray for, I would greatly appreciate it. Of course, safe travel and my kids who we will be away from for 10 days! I'm afraid, we'll get some practice with attachment and bonding with Leah, after leaving her that long. She is pretty sensitive about us leaving (as well as choosing the wrong hair tie, asking her to get in the car, giving her the stink eye, etc. . . . ) , so I'm a touch worried about that. You could also be praying for our hearts to be able to handle spending three days with Goosey, leaving him, possibly forever, and then turning around and meeting M. It sounds like too much to handle and it would be, no doubt, if we didn't know the One who could hold our hearts so safely, when we place them in His able hands.

A New Referral!!!!!!!!!

It is with much hesitation, hopeful expectation, guarded hearts, and great joy that we are finally announcing the acceptance of our referral of (almost) three year old "M." It's true - we have a new picture of a Q - T - PIE hanging on our fridge these days. She looks a little frightened in her pictures, but she has these huge brown eyes, a bit of an underbite and the coolest puffy hair I've seen in quite some time:) There is really no other way to describe her than a "lil punkin."

I felt like today was finally the time to post it, because we were actually submitted to court yesterday, which feels like a monumental step. It felt a little too premature to announce it in writing before passing this step. Not that this is a done deal (can you tell we are somewhat gaurded), but it seems like the ball is moving forward with little M. Just for the record, we are still praying our hearts out for Goosey and that someday we will reach this milestone with him. However, this post is not about him - it is a celebration of a new child that will be practically twinning Leah??? Lord have mercy!

While, I'm sure you all can imagine the swirl and complexity of our emotions, I'm surprised at how excited I am about this precious girl. I'm surprised that each time I see her picture, a natural smile draws across my face. I wasn't sure that was how it would play out when we got a new referral, but by God's grace, he's given us, new love for our new little one.

Well, if I don't stop writing now, I'm sure I'll find myself wandering into the "swirl and complexity of emotions," so for now . . . Woo-hoo for little, puffy haired M!

Hopeless

It's 11:00. I am trying to move. Get ready for the day. Go to the grocery store. Get ready to host a cheery cookie exchange tonight for our Sunday School class. But something has changed since yesterday. At about 10:00 last night, we received an email from another person in our same position. Someone who also has a child at Ajuuja. Someone who talked face to face with our agency yesterday about this situation and the long of the short of it, is that things look pretty grim. The facts are, that our agency gives a surprisingly high dollar amount to Ajuuja each month. Referrals have been moving at a snails pace for the past six months, which has obviously limited the amount of money that has come in, recently. How long can our little agency really support Ajuuja, while the regional government won't release any of these kids. Also, if they don't withdraw their financial support, then this regional Mowa will continue to get the benefits without having to do the work. The hope is that this will drive them to sign the paperwork. Needless to say, the towel is being swirled overhead and is about to be thrown. But as soon as the towel is thrown in, the fallout is severe. Our agency will no longer have the rights to the children in the orphanage. This will all take place fairly soon. What does this mean for the Goose? That is the hardest part. What will happen to him? Where will he land? The orphanage can not survive without our agencies help. The orphanages in the region are already overcrowded and losing funding from other agencies that can no longer support them. Kids are already being left on the street there. There is a famine there.

Everyone knows adoption is often times met with great disappointment. However, many times the disappointment, (which I am in no way, shape, or form minimizing), is hard because birth parents change their minds. In this case, N does not have known birth parents, and he has no known relatives. Who will feed him, hold him, love him?

So, in all these questions, we are asking, "Where are you, God? Do something! You set us on this path. This is the eleventh hour! This is when you are supposed to move!" As we both expressed our anger and disappointment with God, we still knew in our heart of hearts that there is nowhere else to go. Through tears and grief we prayed. Not like we ever have before. There wasn't any, "thank you for this day," "give us guidance," "help so and so." It was a prayer from a place of grief that neither one of us have ever experienced. It was a prayer that was so hard to pray, because we were praying big - praying for a miracle. Praying that the heart of the person who is responsible for signing off on N's paperwork would be moved at that very moment to sign his papers. Praying for N, who is the ultimate sufferer in this. At the end of this long emotional plea with God and after the word "Amen," we both said something that must have been impressed upon us by God. "This is how God must feel when he wants his children to be at home with him." Most of the time when I think of Jesus, I picture him walking around with his arms extended, head slightly tilted, a calm and joyful presence seeping out of him, with a few kids, adults and a lamb or two in his wake. I don't picture him weeping as we were for people to come to know him and "come home" to him. We are separated from N and he is ours. He is our son.

As you can see, our hope in this situation is gone. It feels hopeless. I've thought a lot about hope in light of this turn for the worse this week. I've heard a lot of people tell me things about hope, but I don't think that if I hope hard enough, that N will get to come home. When I was in elementary school, I was in the kids choir at church. Throughout the year we could choose to take on the challenge of memorizing verses, have good attendance and memorize hymns. Since hymns are a thing of the past, I know that the hymns I still have memorized are from the time in my life. So, thank you Ms. Pat for making me memorize them for a time like this:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

We still do hope that N comes home, we hope he is OK, we hope we will get a new referral and grow to love that child as much as we love N, we hope that if we can't bring N home that we can get him somewhere safe, we hope we can see what God is up to in all this, we hope for so much, but we know that the only thing we can really know is the hope of Jesus.